Jess and the boys

sometimes I have to get on a soapbox

2012-02-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am not always outspoken. I usually keep my opinions to myself. About many things, I don't even have strong opinions. But, when I do feel strongly about something I will not be quiet. Today I saw something that just got me fuming mad (so naturally, I had to step up on a soap box for a minute).

While I love pinterest and have found some inspiring and fun things there, one thing has been driving me crazy. I get so mad when I see "health" and "fitness" boards smothered with photos of airbrushed, half naked women. 5 minute great, sexy yoga! Oh please. The picture is practically pornographic. If you do 5 minutes a day of yoga, (sexy yoga, that is), you will have sleek arms, six-pack abs, a tiny waist and legs, a golden tan, and a gigantic, perky chest. Other photos have women in string bikini's, seductive poses, with captions about how to lose weight, ignore hunger, do this or that weight loss cleanse etc. It makes me so sad. I guess it's just the same things we see in magazines over and over again, but I think it's so destructive and for most, not motivating in the right way.

I went through a period of time in college when I was overly obsessed and concerned with my body. In hindsight, I have no idea why I wasted so much energy caring. I was running with the cross country team training for track season and surrounded with girls who were concerned with weight. It was so new to me. Something I never cared about or even thought about before. I think that I was caught completely off guard and saturated with people constantly talking and worrying about their bodies. It made me think, well, if you think you look bad....what about me? Although I feel that I see things clearly now, feel very happy and confident with myself, at the time it was very real to me, however delusional it might have been.

Seeing an ever-increasing obsession with being thin, fit, and what is universally thought of as "beautiful" makes me feel sad and wish I could do something. My best friend works at an inpatient eating disorder clinic and the stories she tells just make me feel sick inside. There are women of all ages and walks of life. Some of these girls are so young and are so hurt inside. It is unbelievably sad. Being surrounded with images, media, and other women on a quest for perfection can delude even the most secure individuals.

Exercise can be, and should be fun. It should be enjoyable and something one does to feel better. It should be something we do to feel strong, to feel capable, to be healthy. Eating healthfully should also be enjoyable and something one does to feel better. These are things we should do to show appreciation to and for our bodies. Of course it is okay to want to look your best, but the constant competition and comparison battle is depressing and often the goal gets so unattainable and unhealthy that it is truly a never ending internal war. The time spent over-thinking, feeling guilty, punishing your body, and comparing every little thing becomes all-consuming.

I love to run. I love to hike, climb, bike, swim and be outside. I have said it a million times, but for me, exercise is more mental and emotional. It makes me happy, calm, more patient, more mentally sharp and emotionally stable. It makes me feel better. My body wants to exercise, my muscles want to stretch and move. Every one's do. I enjoy healthy foods, although I don't always eat right. I am also a complete sugar addict. I know that when I eat right, I feel better. The body craves good nutrition. The body craves water, vitamins, minerals, and all the goodness that we can put into it. The body will respond positively when we treat it right. Exercise and eating habits should be for a happy and sound mind and body. When we treat ourselves right, our emotions, our minds, and our bodies will thank us. (And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a Snickers every now and then, or a day to veg on the couch.)

My anger toward all of this is only toward the media and those behind the ever increasing saturation of the "ideal". For those caught up in the battle, I only feel so sad. I truly do know how hard it is to climb out and stand on top. For those struggling, I have a feeling of desperation. I wish I could fix it all and make every one feel amazing about themselves. I wish I could make every one appreciate their body for the miraculous gift that it is, for the ability to heal, to perform, and to serve for a lifetime. I wish I could erase all of the images that create a delusion of what ideal is. I wish I could erase feelings of discouragement and self-loathing. I wish I could erase the need for perfection. It isn't real.

Coming to a feeling of peace, confidence, and self-respect is a happy place to be.

i want us to be cute and happy when we're old

2012-02-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh, this is so cute. It's old so I am sure everyone else has already seen it, but this totally made my evening.

cookies

2012-02-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

One of my very favorite memories from my childhood is making cookies with my mom. We would pull chairs up tot he counter to stand on. She would put aprons on us, which always draped over our little shoulders and hung down almost to our feet. She would let us dump the flour in, stir, and eat dough. Now, making cookies is one of my favorite things to do with my own kids. They get so excited to help out, and even more excited to reap the benefits and enjoy a delicious treat. It's so fun to watch these two interact--when they are getting along, that is.

death by cuteness

2012-02-04T00:33:00.000-07:00

Kaden came to dinner wearing these incredibly dirty 3D glasses. He was proud and wore them all night. He is also obsessed with the hat and has been wearing it for 5 days straight. He is happy and adorable. He is outrageous and spirited. He keeps a smile on my face and completely wears me out. COMPLETELY wears me out.

all mine

2012-01-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

"Mine." Definitey a favorite word around here. And lucky for me, that boy is mine. He is mine!

we laughed so hard

2012-01-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Can't you just hear the cheeeeeezzzzeeee coming out of him?

We sat down for dinner, when Kaden realized that I had brought him the wrong fork.

"Mom, I need you to get me the other one."

"You aren't getting anything when you talk to me like that.

Besides, Kaden, that one is fine. I am not your slave and if you

want another one you can get it yourself."

"Well Mama, are you your own slave?"

"No, Daddy is my slave. I sit all day and order people around."

Matt: "Yeah, Mommy is the princess so we are all her slaves."

I guess you can't be sarcastic with a 5-year-old, especially

when he is tired. I saw the tears welling up in his eyes and when

I asked what was wrong he very emotionally said,

"I don't have a slaaaavvveee. I wish I had my own slave..." and burst into tears.

It probably shouldn't have been as funny as it was but Matt and I cracked up and laughed for a good couple of minutes, only making Kaden even more sad. We just couldn't stop! When we finally pulled it together and could talk without giggling, we had to have a conversation about what slaves are, and how we really don't have our own. We do things for ourselves and help each other out, but we don't have slaves and don't expect other people to do everything for us.

Oh, and I found Kaden's twin!

i could just kiss you all

2012-01-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Wow. So I wrote this post mostly out of complete frustration. I was actually ticked off when I wrote it. Maybe I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Feeling like a lost cause and really annoyed.

Then, the emails poured in, facebook messages, and sweet comments. I am completely overwhelmed by the caring of my family, friends, and even people I don't know. I feel so loved and I cannot express my gratitude for every one's thoughts. I reread my post and the messages and just cried. It really means something to feel validated, even though that was absolutely not what I was looking for. I spend so much time irritated with myself and feeling like I should just be able to suck it up, it felt so good to know that other people have felt and do feel this way, that it isn't normal, and that maybe I am doing the best I can with what I have. The ideas and heartfelt concern gave me renewed determination and for that I am so grateful.

I wish I could thank each one of you, but know that I am truly appreciative. Know that my spirits were lifted more than I can say. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And I had to include a few pictures of another gorgeous sunset. The night sky looked like it was on fire. I might have a little bit of an obsession with the sky. It is incredible!

monkey boy

2012-01-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

The other day Beckham absolutely refused to let me change him out of his jammies. He was so happy when I just changed his diaper and let him wear his "monty jammies" all day long. He also put his hat on and wore it all day. He carried Money around, all day. He's a funny, very particular, little one.

this plea is for real

2012-01-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am not really sure if anyone even reads my blog anymore. It's totally okay; I have turned it into my own thing, what I want, and don't even think about what people might want to see or to read. I used to be careful about how much text I put in a post, afraid people might get bored. I tried to be choosy with pictures. Now, I just say what I want, when I want. I may tend to over share sometimes. Anyway, that actually has nothing to do with this post, really. I am just asking for input from anyone, if anyone even reads.

I am so tired. SO tired. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I will just say that I think it is abnormal to feel like I do. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic I would say it is definitely one of, if not my biggest, trial in life. I am serious. I know I am a young mom chasing little boys, but I am so tired. I have been since 8th grade. I remember just yearning to take a nap in the darkroom during my photography class when I was a sophomore in high school. Some days walking to a college class I would see an inviting piece of grass in the sunshine and wish that I could just collapse and take a nap. I left classes all.of.the.time. because my notes were sloppy and illegible and I felt rude that I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open that there was no way I was learning a darn thing. I can rarely sit and read a book without feeling drowsy within minutes. I could fall asleep at a stoplight, no joke. I get easily overwhelmed with the difficult stuff of course, but even the tiniest little things can completely overwhelm me. Just thinking about what needs to be done, something that stressed me out, etc. drains all of my energy and I feel like I just can't do it.

I am embarrassed to say that I have actually nodded off, while giving a massage. Road trips are nearly torture. I don't even know if I should admit how much caffeine it takes to get me through a seven hour drive. It is absolutely ridiculous. I have to take in so much artificial energy that I can't sleep at night and feel hungover for days.

It isn't just the boring, menial, monotonous, or stressful things that make me tired. I can be on the mountain snowboarding, cold wind on my face, having an amazing time, and still feel exhausted. I sit on the chairlift wishing to just rest. I'm really not trying to feel sorry for myself. I really try hard to do what I have to do. I make myself when I have to. I just wish I had an answer.

I have tried everything I can think of. It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get. My diet doesn't seem to play a significant role. I take thyroid medication, which should help. It isn't a depression issue. I exercise regularly, which I think helps a little, but it definitely doesn't do a whole lot for this problem. Interestingly, the most energy I've had was right after my kids were born. Isn't that supposed to be when I am most tired? Maybe it's a hormone thing...

I know this might sound so whiny and pathetic but I feel at my wit's end. I get so angry with myself because I feel lazy. I feel too tired to tackle a dirty floor, or the pile of laundry on my bed. I feel too tired to do more than 20% of my to do list. I feel too tired to play with my kids, the way I really want to play with them. I feel grumpy, easily irritated and overwhelmed. The tiredness I feel is hard to explain and I really wish I could explain it. It's more than just being sleepy. I feel exhausted mentally, physically, even emotionally.

On the rare occasion that I do have energy and feel actually AWAKE, I feel incredible. I feel like I can get so much accomplished and love what I am doing. I am active with my kids, I get meals cooked, my house is clean, I feel so much more balanced and happy. I wish there was some miracle fix, because believe me I would try it. I am still trying to figure it out. I am trying really hard not to completely beat myself up, while at the same time trying to push myself to do something, anything, even if "I can't" is running through my mind every second.

So, if anyone is reading this, has anyone experienced this? Do you know anyone who has? Do you have any solutions or ideas? I don't care how ridiculous....I will do pretty much anything! For now, I am trying to fake it 'til I make it.

moody sky

2012-01-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

We get some pretty amazing sunsets. Taken right off of the back deck (all in camera; no editing):

smiley eyes

2012-01-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

I will never be able to get enough of this boy's smiley eyes. His face is so animated 100% of the time. It has been since the day he was born. No matter if he is happy, excited, sad, mad, telling a story, etc. He has a recent thing of getting a very serious look and raising and lowering his brows, while looking up to whoever he is talking to as he tells a story. It's so funny and I hope he doesn't grow out of that one anytime soon. He is one animated little man; he twinkles. He is sunshine.

And, a few of my recent favorite things he's said:
Hey Mama, do you know what chief means?...It means boss. So now I am going to call you Chief. Chief Boss.

One afternoon Beckham was still napping after almost 4 hours:
Mama, Beckham is STILL sleeping. I just think that is positively outrageous!

The other night saying the prayer on dinner:
Please bless our food to make us strange and nurshment.

He is such a sweet and tenderhearted little guy. Today, talking about our sweet friend's son down the street. :
Hey Mama, you know why Michael has to be in a wheelchair now? It's cause his bones don't work right. And his muscles don't work right. I think that is just so sad that those two things don't work right. He is happy and he is my friend. At least he can ride around in his cool wheelchair. I bet that is fun. I still feel sad about that though. I am thankful my bones and muscles work right.

knight in shining armor

2012-01-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

I know I have written about my dad before, calling him my hero. He really is. He is my knight in shining armor and has saved me countless times. He will absolutely, without question, go out of his way to help me, us, in any way he can. He will put his own agenda aside, his own aches and pains, to come to our rescue. He will stop by our house at the end of a long work day to do more work. I never expect this of him, I never pressure him, but he feels the need to be here for us instantly. I appreciate him so much. I've come home numerous times on snowy days to find my driveway blown and my walk shoveled. He's fixed my sprinklers countless times, he's taken my car to and from the shop or fixed it himself, he's built things, fixed our dryer, vacuum, plumbing, snow blower, etc. He has excavated our yard, built our deck, and done anything and everything I have ever needed. He never lets me pay him back for a thing, despite my arguing. He is a magician. He is a wizard. He is smart and knows everything. I don't just say that because he is my dad; he really does know absolutely everything.

He adores my kids. It is cute to see a soft side to him when he interacts with them. They love their Papa. He brings jelly bellies in his suit pockets every Sunday at church. It is like a treasure hunt for the kids. They climb all over him and dig through his pockets. The boys always run to him when he stops by to see us. Kaden loves to pal around with Papa, "helping" him fix things and build things.

He has sort of a gruff exterior with a dry sense of humor. I know he is very sensitive and sweet, even if he doesn't always seem that way. He is so sensitive and sweet. I've seen him get teary and emotional many times when listening to the testimony of his children, reading a sweet card, or having a heartfelt conversation. I love his big warm hugs. He cares about his family more than anything in the world, and would do anything for any one of us. When my grandma was sick he was at her house with my mom countless times to do something to make life a little easier for her. He treated her as his very own mom. He drove all of the way to Utah to give Matt a blessing he requested while in the hospital. He has always been the hardest worker I know, and he does it all for us. I am so grateful to have him as my dad.

will it make him smarter?

2012-01-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

I dont' know, but it sure does make him happy. This kid loves Baby Einstein. LOVES it. I couldn't tear his attention away for anything.

And apparently, he also thinks it's hilarious. Oh, and his double chin is awesome.

winter

2012-01-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

Two days ago our grass was green. I have quite enjoyed the dry time, but have wondered if winter would show up. We have had about 4 inches total snow all winter. Then, it snowed! Kaden and I made a snowman. It's already melted quite a bit, but it is supposed to snow again this weekend. I love winter, I actually love snow, and one of my favorite things about living here is experiencing all four seasons fully, dramatically, and in their entirety. I just need the sun to shine 90% of the time.

I love taking the kids on walks, pulling them on the sled. I love building forts, hearing the snow crunch under my feet, curling up on the couch with a blanket to read stories. I love scarves and coats and boots. I love hot cider, soup, and homemade bread. Those things are more delicious and exciting when it's freezing. Winter just tends to last a little too long around here, usually. This year might end up being just right.

and now he's 4

2012-01-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

What is it about giving a little boy a haircut that makes him look so much older? It was due time for Beckham to have his hair cut. After the last time, which was traumatic for both of us, I thought he might end up looking like Rapunzel before I got the courage to try it again. I really was just waiting for the police to show up he was screaming so loud. It was terrible! I even had everything I could think of to distract him. This time, I must have thought of the right things. I gave him a little bag of skittles, put him in a booster seat and sat him in the living room with his favorite tv show on. He takes forever to eat, even candy, so he savored every little skittle and they lasted the entire time. He didn't put up a fuss at all, until the very end when he had hair in his eyes. I actually really loved his hair long. I love the color and texture. It's so thick and soft. It looks adorable when it lays right. That was the problem. It was never laying right. He had bedhead every morning which was hard to tame, and if I didn't have time to fix it, it stayed that way. I love the short hair too, and cut it extra short just because I wasn't sure how long we'd have to go between cuts. Maybe we are on to something here. He looks so handsome.

See what I mean? These pictures were taken 1 day apart. He looks a whole year older.

then it was his turn

2012-01-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

Last night this little man got to spend the night in our bed. We really don't make a habit out of this, but I am not opposed to embracing a good reason. As Matt and I were about to head to bed, Kaden was crying. I could tell he was hurting. He limped his way out to the living room. Growing pains. I remember getting these regularly all through my childhood. I remember the aching the tightness, and the pain that just would not go away. I remember waking my mom up in the wee hours of the morning, cuddling up on the couch with her while she rubbed my sore legs. I remember feeling so loved and cared for. Last night I stayed up for a long time rubbing my boys tight, hurting legs. He asked through quiet tears, "Mama, how come it hurts so much? Why do my muscles hurt to grow?" I don't know if it even is a growing thing. It might be a mineral or electrolyte imbalance. I wish I knew a solution because I know just how he feels. We heated up my rice bag and wrapped it around him. I brought him to bed with me to cuddle. He finally seemed to feel relief and looked exhausted. I read while he fell asleep. It was so nice to have him there, quiet and still. Kaden is hardly ever quiet and still. He didn't thrash around and tunnel through our covers. He didn't kick and take over the bed. He was still and quiet and I relished in those moments. Poor little guy is probably going to have a lot of nights like this.

pretty

2012-01-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

I got a new lens for Christmas. I still have to figure it out, but I am digging it. The pictures look SO much better big. I need to take the time to figure out how to change my blog. I want it plain. I want the pictures to be big. I want to get rid of all the extra stuff. I wish I wasn't lazy. Anyone have any ideas? I like things that are easy and quick. Does that even exist?

love bug

2012-01-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that this boy has a mind of his own. He is probably exactly what they talk about when referring to 2-year-olds. The sweetest, cutest, most fun people on earth, and the scariest. He is a master temper-tantrum-thrower. A master. He knows how to get my blood pressure rising and my patience to nill almost instantly. It's so frustrating for both of us. He clearly knows exactly what he wants, and I clearly cannot figure it out. I can only imagine how that must feel. I wish I knew the solution. His physical therapist and I have discussed that it is probably his need for a little control, even subconsciously. He's had so much done for him and to him and he needs to feel like he has a say in things.I feel like I have tried everything under the sun, but when it comes down to it, when he is mad about something he is going to scream it to the world. I hope that it is just a normal 2-year-old phase and not indicative of his behaviour through life.

He is the sweetest, cuddliest boy. He is happy a majority of the time. He is talkative and animated. He is going through a mommy phase right now and does not want to be left anywhere, with anyone. He just wants me. He says "mommy hold you?" throughout the day and there is nothing I love more than a snuggle with him. He doesn't like a crowd. He had no interest in opening his Christmas presents in front of everyone. He has no interest in being in the group. He is his own little guy and I am figuring that out more and more all of the time. I love that he is his own unique little person. It's so interesting having two completely different little people living here and constantly trying to figure out what works with each one. It's a puzzle.

Last night, when Matt and I were about to go to bed, I crept down the hall to check on the boys, like I always do. I slowly opened the door. It only opened about a foot before it was stuck. I squeezed in and saw my sweet little boy, curled up by the door, a toy in each hand, fast asleep. He was so adorable, sweet, and innocent. I scooped him up and my heart was bursting with love. He smelled so clean and fresh and I couldn't put him in his bed. I carried him into our room and laid him down in our bed. I smelled his hair and kissed his chubby cheeks over and over. I held his soft little hands. I cuddled with that boy all night and woke up to him climbing all over me. I know I can't do this every night, but last night it was perfect. He is perfect.

a rare and special bond

2012-01-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Kaden is absolutely in love with his Nana. He has a special bond with her that I just can't describe. It makes me so happy. The boys get to spend the night with Nana and Papa sometimes. It's a special treat for them. Every day that I am working and I take the boys to my mom, Kaden asks if he gets to spend the night. If I say no, which I usually do, he says, "ahhh, Mama, I just really wish I could stay at Nana's house." He gets so excited when he sees me packing his special blanky and "glowman" in his little suitcase. It means he gets to go live with Nana and Papa for a few days, and what could be better than that? I think he would move there if given the chance. Even my little Beckham, who hates having his routine disrupted, hates being separated from his mama, and isn't the most social little guy, absolutely loves being at Nana and Papa's house.

I love that when I am working and the boys are with my mom they are having fun. They are going on hikes, throwing rocks in the water, taking bubble baths, reading stories, planting flowers, watering grass, going on wagon rides, making snow angels, and that they are being loved and cared for, just as I would love and care for them--and maybe even better. They feel safe and that puts my heart at ease. I would love to be able to quit working tomorrow, to be able to stay home with my kids until they are older, but that isn't an option for me. I feel so blessed and comfortable, knowing that they are in the next best place. They are happy, cared for, loved, cuddled, and even scolded when needed. They aren't suffering one bit. In fact, I think that the time they spend with my mom, and dad too, is a huge blessing of our situation. It is a blessing to my boys to learn from their Nana and Papa, and to have different experiences. They get to grow up knowing them and creating memories with them. I know they will look back on these years as priceless. I know it is helping to mold who they become later, all for the better. It is a blessing for my parents too. My mom is a saint and has those boys 3 days a week on most weeks. She never complains even though sometimes I know she is tired or maybe wishes she could have a day to herself. The bond my boys have with their Nana is something rare and very, very special, and I am so grateful.

rub-a-dub-dub

2012-01-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Bath time is definitely a favorite around here. It's a crazy splashing fiasco. The laughter is equal to the tidal waves erupting from the tub. The rascals must be forced out when the water is nearly cold. Getting clean has never been so fun.

And let's just take a moment to recognize that this kid isn't little anymore. Look at those muscles. He's pretty proud of them, too.

comb-overs and buddha-bellies are cool when you're two

2012-01-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

cupcakes

2011-12-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

Kaden got to go to school on his fifth birthday. He was so excited to wear pajamas and have a party. I brought the cupcakes we had made the night before and he was so proud to be able to share with his friends. Beckham was in Heaven eating "tuptapes" while Kaden was off at school. That evening we had a really mellow little party with our family and Nana and Papa. The other day Kaden realized, "Hey Mama, my birthday and Christmas are over for a really, really, really, really, very, very long time. I'm a little bit sad 'bout that." I remember that feeling when I was young, but I feel bad for him that his birthday is so close to Christmas. I will just have to work a little harder at making his day special. He is such a sweetheart.

i love these people

2011-12-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

We interrupted our marathon present-opening, poem-reading to catch the light before it went. Spending Christmas with family is what makes us happy.

And this is who we really are. Every time I look at this picture it gets more funny.

tickets please!

2011-12-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

A few weeks before Christmas we got a special trip on the Polar Express. My brother works on the train and was firing that night. He got us on, for free, in the nicest car. It was lit up beautifully, we got free mugs, and were treated like VIPs. It was magical. When we got there and were waiting for the train it was snowing. It was just the perfect ambiance for our night together.

When the train first arrives, it pulls forward in a giant cloud of steam with the song from the movie. It is such a happy moment, seeing all of the kids in their pajamas jumping up and down, so excited they can't contain it.The ride is special. The chefs come in complete costume, the conductor punches the tickets, and the story is played on the ride up to the North Pole while we eat cookies and drink hot chocolate. Santa comes on the train and talks to each child, giving them a bell. On the trip back we sing carols. Our chefs were so cute and hilarious. They led us in song, singing their hearts out, dancing, and had the car in laughs the entire way. It was like 30 minutes of terrible group singing, akin to the way the birthday song always turns out. It was so fun. I laughed so hard and they kids loved it.

The Polar Express is mostly for the kids, but I had every bit as much fun as they did. I loved every single second.

our tree

2011-12-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

I loved our tree this year. I loved the character it had. I have loved seeing it light up our living room every day for the past month. I will be sad to take it down, but it always feels so good to get everything put away and have the house seem so clean and clutter-free. My mom gets the boys a new ornament every year. Kaden got the train, of course, and Beckham got the little sock monkey. It's so fun to add new things every year. Most of our ornaments don't have hooks on them. Our artificial tree is so full that I can just shove the decorations in wherever I want. This year, the ornaments were precariously sitting on the branches and constantly falling off. A lot of them just ended up at the base by the trunk. The boys had fun redecorating every day. Bunches of ornaments hung on the bottom and it made me smile to see their work.

Decorating is really special when each little item means something. My mom crocheted the Santa who must always have a light shining behind his nose. My grandma made the cute fluffy Santa with the glasses. My mom just got me the Santa carrying the tree and bird this year. He is made from a light bulb--very cute. The carved nativity is another favorite. It makes me happy, just as it did as a little kid, unwrapping each thing to hang in its own special place.

i could eat her up

2011-12-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

The other night Grant, Brittany and Trudy came to stay. It was so much fun to have them; I wish they could have stayed longer. I am so in love with their baby. She is the sweetest, smiliest, most animated little girl. I could watch her expressions and excitement all day long. I really want to keep her. Beckham was tired and grumpy so we put a Baby Einstein on for them. They were totally enthralled and it was adorable. Beckham seems so gigantic next to petite little Trudy. I love babies in their jammies.

happy birthday

2011-12-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

My baby turns five today. I really can't believe it. How did this sweet little bundle grow to be 5-years-old already? I feel like this has been the fastest five years of my life, and the best five years too. Five seems like such a big deal. It seems like more of a milestone than any other age, so far. He is old enough for school now and that nearly breaks my heart. I am so excited for him because I know he is going to take the world by storm. He is social and life-loving and ready for the next step. I'm not. I was looking through pictures of him throughout the years and remembering little things about him. How he sounded, acted, what his favorite food, toy, thing was at that certain time. It was bitter-sweet. I truly have loved every age. I love how he is now. It hit me the other day like a ton of bricks--there is no baby left in him, no toddler left, no tiny little kid; he is a little boy. He has a personality all his own, his own ideas, his own quirks, his own vocabulary. He is his own little person. I love this stage. I love our funny conversations, his tender heart, his smile that takes up his entire face, his energy that cannot be contained, his heartfelt prayers, his kisses and hugs, his perfection. He is my prayer baby and I am so grateful for the light he brings into my life. I love him more than can ever be expressed in words and I would do anything for him. My baby is five.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little man.

he's not shy

2011-12-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

Santa, I really want a cool train for my little brother. He wants one so bad, but I think he is too scared to come up here and tell you. And my Daddy needs a new brace because sometimes his hurts him. Can you bring my daddy a new brace? oh, and um....I don't know what mommy wants because she never told me anything, but can you bring her something special? I bet you know what she wants. Oh yeah, and I really want a cars racetrack too. Please? Thanks Santa! I have been trying to be a good boy.

Seriously? He is so sweet I can hardly take it.

good morning sunshine

2011-12-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

Best. Bedhead. Ever.

little hands and feet

2011-12-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

The boys made little reindeer the other day--another pinterest idea. We traced their little feet and hands. They picked out the eye size and nose color--red of course! Kaden drew those little circles for ears and put a cute red smiley mouth on his. They were so proud of their creations. We put cardboard on the back to make them durable, since they have decided these bad boys are toys. The little Rudolphs are going to look so small someday...

i don't come up with my own ideas

2011-12-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

I actually hesitated to start a pinterest account because I knew it would suck me in. I think I have a bit of an addictive personality and knew that it might be trouble for me. I finally decided to give it a try and I am glad that I did. I really love it and it's given me so many good ideas, from teaching my kids, to decorating, to future plans for our yard and unfinished basement. I tend to be a person with grand ideas, big goals, and a lot of "oh wow, that is a great idea, I should try it..." and then I never actually follow through, at least not 100% . I have suprised myself with this one though. I have actually made a lot of things, done fun activities with my kids, cooked new things, and been inspired. Despite the fact that the ideas come from someone else, it's an opportunity to still be creative in making the idea my own.

I saw these cute trees and knew I wanted to make them. I was going to go with a more natural look, but last minute changed my mind. I just love things that sparkle at Christmas time. I ended up making them for a fun party I went to. We each made multiples of a certain thing then exchanged with each other. I only burned myself with the glue gun a few times. I don't have a picture of mine, but they look so pretty on my entry table next to the soft white lights.

This wreath was really simple. It's just a wire coat hanger with ornaments srtung on. It looks so pretty in my kitchen window.

My Christmas tree skirt is my favorite. I saw this and instantly fell in love and knew I had to make it. It was time consuming but very easy. We have a live tree this year, in a bucket, which we will plant in our yard. I think the skirt will look even better when it isn't wrapped around a bucket. It will be much better lying flat on the floor, bunched up a little. I love the simplicity of the fabric combined with the ruffles. It makes me happy to look at it, and a little proud of myself that it actually worked out.

"i can't put my arms down!"

2011-12-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

Watching the boys run around outside while I cleared the driveway had me smiling from ear to ear. They were bundled up like little Eskimos. Beckham doesn't quite fit into Kaden's snow clothes from a few years ago; it is the most adorable thing in the world. He waddled along, so happy to be out and playing with his big brother. He is getting the hang of walking in his boots and oversized snow pants and coat. These little guys are so excited about the snow. I remember how much I loved playing outside, staying out until I was soaked to the bone and freezing, but not minding one bit because it was so much fun. Now, the second I start to get a chill I am running in for the fireplace and hot cider or cocoa.

he might just be on the naughty list

2011-12-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

His life sure is rough! (and because of it, mine can be too..)

i never had cousins my age

2011-11-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have been missing my camera so much. It's off to be repaired and I am wishing I had waited until after Christmas. It's no surprise I completely tired out the shutter. I can't wait to get it back. These pictures are 6 months old, but I had forgotten to post them. I love these little cutie pies. We miss them; the boys miss their cousins. I have been so, so bummed out about Thanksgiving. We had a nice one here with friends, but we missed the big Wood get together in Arizona. I had been so excited about it for months. Matt ended up being scheduled to work Black Friday, and despite my efforts, I was unable to finagle a way to make the trip. I was so disappointed. I adore that family and was so looking forward to seeing everyone all together. I wish it could have worked out.

Kaden loves his little friends Ruby and McCoy. I am sure he would love to have a cousin his age, but he cares about these two so much. Beckham is only 4 months older than they are, and I am sure they will love each other forever. McCoy and Ruby are already best friends, and I think they won't mind a tag along every now and then.

I really can't wait for the next time we get to see everyone.

the ending is perfect. the now is happy.

2011-11-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

I read this quote today and it just stuck with me. It got me thinking. While I scrubbed counter tops and remained baffled at the incredible tantrum my two-year-old had just thrown, letting my mind stew over things I cannot control, and wondering how on earth I can mend some of the stress in my life, I was drawn back to these words.

Really, how many times do you have one of those days when you look around you and think, "is this really my life? Is this really how it's supposed to be? Is this what I am supposed to be doing? What can I do to make it different?" There are some things in our control, and so many things that just aren't. Learning to accept that is really tough.

For years after our accident it was actually painful to receive wedding invitations, attend showers, and participate in wedding festivities. It was a blaring reminder of so many dreams lost. I literally hurt, cried, and felt so cheated. I feel bad saying that. Despite the many miracles I'd seen, the countless moments of peace and comfort, the innumerable tender mercies, I still felt that I had been robbed. It was unfair, not the happy ending, or beginning, I had dreamed.

Fast forward to now. I feel genuine happiness and excitement when I receive announcements in the mail or attend nuptials. I know how those lovebirds are feeling and I am excited for them to start their lives. I also know that their happy ending isn't going to be like they had planned or wanted. Is any one's? No one plans on bad things happening, unexpected hardships, illness, addictions, the trials in life that are thrown at everyone.

I absolutely would not have imagined my life to be what it is now, seven years ago. I would never have dreamed the challenges we would face. I also wouldn't have been able to imagine the wonderful things that far outnumber the "is this really my life?" moments. It is truly vast and amazing. I still am not sure if I am at the point where I can say that I wouldn't change our situation. Some people go through incredible trials, come out on top, stronger, and easily say, "I would do it all over again, knowing what I know now". I am not sure I can say that with 100% surety. I do know that we are all here to learn the same lessons. Every one's way of learning those lessons is different. I have gained perspective and learned so much (and hopefully I will figure out how to apply those things). I know that had our specific situation not happened, something else would have. Our happy ending still wouldn't have been like we'd pictured it.

I have many nights when I wake up fretting over one thing or another. I have moments of guilt, sadness, frustration, emptiness, loneliness, and sometimes I just feel lost. I am not unique. I also have many, many moments of overwhelming joy, happiness, gratitude, excitement, love, and optimism. Our life was intended to be that way. It is an absolute truth that you really cannot truly know the sweet, without having first known the bitter. Despite the bitter in life, there is not enough time to consume all of the sweet.

I think it comes down to a matter of perspective and faith. Everyone has a right and a need to feel cheated sometimes, to feel sad, to experience the sadness for what it is. Everyone also has a beautiful opportunity to acknowledge those feelings and to move to a higher level and see the good. To see the beauty now. To see the artistic creation that is really your life, and to realize that indeed, it does have a happy, a PERFECT ending. A happy ending much, much, better than one you could have ever pictured.

fall festival

2011-11-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

We went to the Three Springs fall festival again this year. Lots of fun kid's games, a bounce house, trick-or-treating, bbq, live music, and the most adorable and creative costumes. We love going every year. The weather was gorgeous. Kaden loved the unique playgroud, while Beckham was much more interested in his bag of "popporn".

happy haaawweeen!

2011-11-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

(yes, this boy is much too old to be clinging to a sippy cup.)

We didn't go all out for Halloween but still had such a good time. Kaden was so excited to be a ghost and his costume was the easiest thing ever. On Halloween day we went trick-or-treating around the businesses on the main street which is always so fun. Beckham acted so shy and wouldn't say anything or look at anyone. After we were by ourselves he would say, trick-or-treat and happy haaawwweeen over and over. That evening we went to the ward trunk-or-treat. It was so fun. Kaden had a hat and sunglasses on and called himself the gangster ghost. Wish I had a picture of that one. He was walking up to everyone and getting within inches of their face, staring up trying to see. It was hilarious and he refused to remove the glasses; he is such a character. He was social and independent; he is growing up so much. I will never be able to get enough of the kid's excitement over holidays.

Beckham didn't hate his costume as much as it appears. He woke up a little grumpy from his nap. He was just getting into character, I guess.

first snow

2011-11-06T00:03:00.000-06:00

This morning we woke up to snow on the ground. Kaden ran into our room so excited. "Mama, it's snowed! Winter is coming! Christmas is coming! I am your Christmas baby, Mama, and my birthday is coming!" I hope he figures out how to wait another month and a half. He was so cute putting on his boots, hat, jacket, and mittens. He got this getup on all by himself and hurried out the door. It was the cutest thing, watching him circle the yard, make footprints, and run around like it was Christmas morning. Beckham, on the other hand, didn't know what to think about about it. He managed to sneak out the door in his jammies while I was taking pictures of Kaden. He was only out there about a minute and hurried back in. Maybe when he is bundled up he will like it better. He loved watching the snow fall from the window and sat and watched it for a long time. I love living here and experiencing all of the seasons.

it's an exhaustive workout...

2011-11-02T12:37:00.000-06:00

being a human jungle gym.

my squishy

2011-10-30T21:43:00.000-06:00

I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine. And he shall be my squishy. Come here Squishy! Come here little Squishy deeebeeedooodeeeb.......

The name Squishy just suits Beckham. He is so cute and squishy!! He is still my floppy baby. His muscle tone is still so lax, but it's made even worse by his ability to collapse into a pile of goo when I hold him, wrestle with him, tickle him, ask him to stand when he doesn't want to, etc.

I thought these pictures of Becks and Callie were cute. She is so patient with his overzealous love. He loves "tallie tat" so much. He follows her around talking in a sweet high voice, ready to lay on her at any moment. Good thing she is young and resilient.

Beckham and I have a nice few mornings a week when Kaden is at school. Beckham missed Kaden the first few times he was gone, asking where he was and wandering around looking for him. It was a little sad and a lot cute. Now, I think he realizes what this means, having brother gone. He gets free reign of toys, nothing gets taken away, he has my attention, and soon his playmate will come home. Plus, going to pick Kaden up is one of his favorite things. He loves the new school and the playground is exciting. I usually tear him away crying. We need to work on this boy's temper somehow. He knows how to cause a scene.

One morning a week he has physical therapy. He's been doing this for over a year. He sort of loves Diane, sort of resents why she comes. He loves to play with her, but the moment he realizes he is being tricked into working he becomes aloof and wanders off to the other side of the room to play. He has quite a personality. I am so excited that he is graduating from pt. He will only be doing 2 days a month now, and I see him being able to completely stop soon. He is doing so well. Since he learned to walk his independence has taken off. He is motivated to try new things, which he never cared about doing before. He is well aware of what he wants and will work hard to figure out how to get it. He tries to keep up with other kids. He's become quite active and even a bit troublesome. He makes me proud.

next time won't you sing with me?

2011-10-27T19:44:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned before how fun it is to have Matt home on his days off? Yeah, I have, a bunch of times. He is so cute with the kids. They love him so much. The other day Matt and Kaden were working on an alphabet puzzle. Kaden loves to do puzzles with his daddy. Sometimes he just jumps and dances around while Matt does all the work. Sometimes he helps a little. It was cute watching Matt teach him. Beckham was just a spectator while he sat on the floor and ate his snack. He is so funny about his snacks. He raids the pantry every chance he gets. He is always bringing me things, "open this? pwees, pwees?! I want some, want some!"

I am so proud of Matt and the way he is with the boys. It has only been in the last year that I feel confident in leaving him to watch over the boys for short periods of time. He is so attentive and good with them when I am gone. He calls me if he has any questions. One day I was gone for hours, yard-saleing all around the town with friends. I expected to come home to a disaster and the tv on. I came home and they had read stories, eaten snacks, worked on puzzles, and build train tracks, and everyone was happy. I felt so proud of him. Sometimes I will leave for a night out with friends. He puts the kids to bed and listens for them. We have great friends close by who can be called in a pinch if needed. It's so nice to have a little freedom, and Matt thrives in the situation. The boys love their time with Dad, behave for him, and don't seem to miss me a bit.

Beckham has learned the abc's. He actually has known them for a few months. He will sing them over and over and over again. It's just too cute for words. I love his little voice. The other day we had to roam the halls in church because he was so excited in singing. He was happy and loud. These videos were taken a few weeks ago and are awful quality but so adorable, to me at least. The camera throws him off a little. He usually won't miss a beat or a letter.

Can I say that my baby is a smartie? I am pretty sure he is...

a cloudy nature walk...and i'm a picture hoarder

2011-10-25T23:03:00.000-06:00

Today was cold, dark, overcast, and dreary. We stayed in the house building forts, coloring pictures, wrestling and cuddling, making smoothies, and reading stories. By 4:00 I was tired of being inside. We decided to bundle up and head out to the hill behind our house. There is a fun little trail back there and the kids love our little "nature walks".

I have a problem, though. I cannot stop snapping pictures when I have my camera with me. It's just too hard to put down when I see so many things to capture. Those boys are always doing something, that of course I, as their mother, cannot resist. They are just too adorable. I love all of the thousands of photos I have of them playing, jumping, climbing, giggling, crying, etc. They make me so happy. I am a happy hoarder. I only had my camera out about 1/4 of the time today...can you imagine what would have happened if I hadn't put it away?!

Callie, our new little kitty, even came part way with us. She is so funny. We acquired her when my brother and his wife couldn't keep her. She is still so young. She plays and climbs, chases and hunts. Beckham is in love with her. He calls her "tallie tat". She sleeps with him and allows him to tackle her and smother her. She never gets mad.

Beckham didn't walk as far today. He wanted to be carried. He's wanted to be held and cuddled most of the day which makes me happy. When he did walk, he picked his own way. He was wandering around paying no attention to the way Kaden and I were trying to lead him. Kaden was so patient in waiting for his brother.

Kaden was running around a million miles a minute like always. He was in this tree and that, running ahead, climbing the hill. He reminds me of a dog. He probably went 4 times as far as we did.

There is a little hidden fort we went to and played in for a while. The boys had so much fun exploring it.

They are so cute together!!!

At one point Kaden was calling to me that he was stuck. I came over and he was up in the little tree fort, climbing down. He said, "Mama, I thought I was going to be stuck here forever, but then I remembered I'm awesome!". He is so funny. I told Matt about that little comment tonight when he got home and he laughed so hard, "Kaden is so rad!".

Another simple day down for the memory books. The simple, unplanned days are always the best ones.

partying with the big kids

2011-10-24T20:49:00.000-06:00

Last weekend we got to party it up with a bunch of friends-sans kids. It was a costume party. I had been sick and had a hard time finding a babysitter, so thought we wouldn't go. A few hours before the party my brother said he could watch the boys and I decided to just buck up. I had no idea what we would wear. After a bit I thought of the perfect thing. Matt was totally on board(and he even let me curl his hair with my flat iron) and we both thought we were so hilarious. We think we're cool like that. Plus, it was free. I knew that track suit would come in handy someday.

The food was amazing, we carved pumpkins, and had such a fun time. I love the magic of holidays that comes with having kids, but the adults can have fun too, and we did.

something magical about the light

2011-10-22T18:21:00.000-06:00

Don't you think that there is something quite special and captivating about the light in the fall? I swear it's at the perfect angle to make things magic. The light glimmers on the yellow leaves and it makes water sparkle and glitter like diamonds. I feel like I can't even experience it enough. I see it and love it, but I feel like I need to smell it, taste it, photograph it, eat it. That might only make sense to my mom, but it really is just amazing.

Kaden makes things magic in his own way. His eyes sparkle when he smiles. His laughter makes my soul happy. I love to smell him, photograph him, and I could definitely eat him too. We went on a nature walk today and it was so fun watching him explore and find things, hear things, notice little things that most might never see. Bekham walked further than he ever has before. He loved it too. Matt had the special job walking Toby on his leash. I give that dog a serious F- for leash abilities. Matt only gave him a B- which is way too nice; he is terrible.

I love our weekends. We are so lucky to have a three day weekend every week. Matt and I both have Mondays off. Monday usually turns into chore day and Saturday is play day. We spent the entire day at home today and didn't get bored for one second. We woke up late, ate late, boys got haircuts, we played a little, cleaned a little, played a little, and played a little more. It was so fun to enjoy each other with no distractions.

these two, they're adorable...

2011-10-20T21:35:00.000-06:00

I really wish I had the audio to go along with these pictures. Despite the terrible quality and lighting, I loved looking through them. These boys were being hilarious, getting a little too wound up before bed. Becks was so sad when I put him back in his bed and turned out the light. I love the fun they have together and how they crack themselves (and us) up.

story time

2011-10-17T20:47:00.000-06:00

I love stumbling upon scenes like this...

i came from heaven...the zoo in heaven

2011-10-13T21:59:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when my crazy little man is bouncing off the walls I ask, "where did you come from?" He always replies, "I came from Heaven, Mama! The zoo in Heaven!" He really is a little monkey. He has been calling himself a kangaroo-frog-monkey for a while now. He thinks it's the best of all worlds, he can jump high, climb, store treasures in a pouch, and has an awesome tongue for catching things. The stuff this kid thinks of never ceases to impress me, or make me laugh.

Before we left Albuquerque for Santa Fe, we made a trip to the zoo. Kaden has never been to a zoo before. He was nervous at first; he didn't want to see any lions or scary animals that could jump out and "catch" him. After being there for all of 2 minutes he was excited, happy, hyper, and loving it. His very favorite part was the monkey exhibit and of course, the little train we rode. The zoo had quite a few baby animals. Baby animals are too adorable. They are so playful and fun.

Kaden carried "Marty" around the whole time. He held him up to show him everything and explain things to him. Beckham had fun too. He loved the train and seeing all of the animals. He was a happy camper and fell asleep half way through.

I love this shot. That guy is like, "what up?!" and his stance is just sweet. And this little orangutan was so cute. He was climbing and swinging all over the place and totally reminded me of a little kid.

Doesn't he just look so happy? The polar bear was Kaden's other favorite animal. We stayed and watched him swim around for quite a while. The elephants were so fun; there was a baby, and I am not sure it gets much cuter than a baby elephant.

Our quick weekend getaway was amazing and I can't wait to do it all over again.

balloon fiesta-it's kind of a big deal

2011-10-10T17:57:00.000-06:00

The Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta is quite an experience. We got up after less than 3 hrs of sleep to drive the 5ish miles to the mass ascension. I hadn't told the boys what we were doing. I didn't want the disappointment if it didn't work out, and I didn't want to be pestered for weeks on end. I woke Kaden up and it was the sweetest thing. He always wakes up so happy. He sits up half awake and gives me a big hug and kiss. He is so warm. It was the same this morning, but then I told him what we were doing and he perked up so fast. He got so excited and started jabbering a million different things, hurrying me to help him get dressed.

It took us about an hour and a half to drive the 5 miles. The traffic was insane. My poor clutch leg was dying when we got there. I have a stiff clutch and wow, it was really a workout. Matt and I were deliriously tired and were acting completely ridiculous in the car. It probably should have been embarrassing, especially since who knows how many people saw us, but it wasn't. It was just fun. I love laughing with him.

We got there at the perfect time. Just as the sun was rising, it was warming up, and the balloons were starting to lift off. Kids were beside themselves. they were so thrilled to see something so huge. Kaden was not at all happy about riding in the stroller. He probably is too big, but there are thousands of people at this place and that boy just doesn't pay attention when he's excited. He finally convinced me and promised me he would stay within inches of me and I let him out.

Grant and Brittany were so fun to go with. I appreciated them so much. Sometimes Matt gets lost in the shuffle. They were so conscientious about always listening to what he had to say, they stopped when his foot hurt and he needed a break, they waited for us and walked slow with us. I really am grateful; they were so good to us.

Kaden loved Grant and Britt. He is still talking about them and asking when we get to go back. He was obsessed with Trudy. The other day he said, "Hey mom, I miss Grant and Brittany and baby Trudy. Mama, can we have a baby Trudy? I love her". After the balloon fiesta we were in Trudy's room reading stories and Kaden was checking out her stuff. He was so adorable, "Mama, Trudy has a little bike, and a big giraffe to play with, and a nice bed, and books for her mommy to read to her, and look at all those blankets for her! Ahh, her mommy and daddy love her, they are taking such good care of her."

land of enchantment

2011-10-06T23:17:00.000-06:00

Last weekend our little fam took such a fun road trip. We left after work on Friday, just as the sun was setting, destined for Albuquerque, NM. I had been thinking about going down there for the balloon fiesta for months, and after an official invite from Grant and Britt we just had to do it. I looked forward to it for weeks.

The drive down was fun. Kaden slept most of the way and Beckham jabbered in the back. Matt and I had good conversation and he got to listen to me jam to whatever came onto the ipod. It was sweet. We got to Grant and Brittany's house after 11:30. I felt so bad it was late, even if they are night owls. We had to get up at 4:30 the next morning to make it in time for the mass ascension of balloons. Did we got straight to bed like we should have? Of course not! We stayed up chatting, well mostly Brittany and I, until almost 2:00. Poor Grant and Matt. It was just so good to see them.

Oh, and this baby. I adore her. She is the most bright-eyed, smiley little thing. I love her to pieces (and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual! hah!). The boys were in love with her too. Beckham was a little worried and jealous when I held her, though.

Maybe it was the crazy lack of sleep, maybe a bug, but the boys got so sick on Saturday. They had fevers over 103 and just felt miserable. It was weird that they got sick at the exact same time. It was also weird that it lasted less than 24 hrs. I was worried about them, worried they might have gotten Trudy sick, and a little bummed because we didn't get to do a lot of what I had hoped to. It turned out to be perfect though (minus them feeling so awful), because we just got to hang out at the house. We talked, ate ice cream, and lounged. My idea of a good time.

Our time with Grant and Brittany was so fun. I hope we didn't bombard them with our chaos too much, but we loved every minute. They are so sweet, so good to us, and everything was just comfortable. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I loved that there was no pressure to entertain, no pressure to be a certain way, and I even snooped in Trudy's changing table while everyone napped and stole some tylenol for Kaden and Beckham. I'm such an awesome guest. I promise I don't usually go through people's stuff!

Sunday we watched some conference and Matt and I took the kids to the zoo. So fun. Then we drove down to Santa Fe and stayed in my grandparent's house for a night. It was so great to be there. I haven't been there for 2 years, since my Nonie passed away. Things were so much the same, exactly how I remembered them. I loved reminiscing and feeling nostalgic for a while.

We played in Santa Fe all day Monday. We hit up Trader Joes and some other fun places and headed home. Our drive home was so much fun. It's only 4 hours, so it doesn't seem too long and the boys did great. They made a disaster out of the backseat. There were snacks everywhere, coloring books and crayons, books, blankets, you name it.

At one point, they were squealing and giggling so loud; it was hysterical. I turned around and Kaden was chewing on Beckham's hand. Those two are finally at the age where they enjoy each other, laugh at each other, play together, and love one another. I love it. At one point Matt said, "Babe! This is so perfect. Our boys are so adorable I can hardly stand it! I got to be with my beautiful family all weekend and I am so happy. Thank you so much for planning this fun trip." He is so sweet.

Pretty darn enchanting, if you ask me.

caught red handed

2011-09-27T20:38:00.000-06:00

Becks has always found pleasure and excitement with Toby's water bowl. I am constantly telling him to leave it alone. I can't blame him though; a bowl of water at his level to splash in?!?! The other evening I heard some rustling around over there and said, Beckham, what are you doing over there?...are you getting into toby's water? He replied, Naaaoooohhh! His way of saying no. I looked over and saw what he was up to...

He was caught red handed, with a mouth FULL of dog food. It's not like I'm starving him! I told him to spit it out, but it was too late.

He proceeded to say, mmmmm, nummy nummy!!! I couldn't believe he had actually just eaten an entire bite of mushy dog food. Disgusting. I moved him away from it and he hasn't suffered any ill effects. He also hasn't attempted to eat any more. Maybe it wasn't really that tasty after all.

i've been anxiously anticipating these...

2011-09-26T12:46:00.000-06:00

I was so excited when I went to get the boys after a day at work and my mom showed me these precious drawings Kaden did. I have been anticipating his first self-portrait. I really couldn't wait to see what his impression would be, the way he'd create a person on a page. How would he draw the fingers? What would the expression on the face be?

The other day he was assigned homework requiring him to draw pictures of his favorite activities from the summer. He actually cried because he thinks he doesn't know how to draw. We do a lot of painting, coloring, and other crafty projects, but we really haven't spent much time freehand drawing. He said, Mama, I just can't draw cause it's too hard and I don't know how...my bones are too small. It took me days to convince him that he could draw a picture for his homework and it would be perfect just the way he did it. It was really cute when he finished.

Nana worked with him. She showed him how to draw little animals and people. When I saw these I laughed and smiled and I absolutely adore them and cherish them. I am so happy to have his very first self-portraits copied and saved forever.

I love the wild hair in the first one, and the second reminds me of Jack skeleton. These are so precious to me.

do you take time to notice?

2011-09-23T09:50:00.000-06:00

About a month ago Matt and I were traveling home from a family reunion. (Someday I will get around to talking about that fun trip.) I noticed the most beautiful, gigantic, white puffy cloud. The light was perfect and I couldn't stop saying how gorgeous the sky was. I had to stop and take pictures. Over the course of two hours, the sky changed so much, it was volatile and transforming. I loved the change in light, weather, the colors, everything. I stopped over and over. The camera doesn't quite capture the magic of it, but it truly was magical.

little schoolboy

2011-09-22T09:02:00.000-06:00

My little man started preschool a few weeks ago. He loves it. He asked over and over, all summer, when school was going to start again. He has the same teachers and he adores them. This kid was just born social. He was born wanting attention, he was born happy and free spirited, he was born ready to take on the world. He had no issues waltzing back into that classroom like he owned it. It made me proud.

I am totally one of those moms who gets sad thinking about her baby going to school. I am so lame. I actually have already gotten so sad thinking about kindergarten....which isn't starting for a year! I just thought about how fast this last year went, and how this one will go by just as quickly. I can't help but think that once he's gone, he's gone. That sounds dramatic, but five days a week from 8 to 3 is a lot of time away, and once he goes to kindergarten it'll be like that until he graduates and leaves. See? I'm pathetic. I just love that little guy so much. I love hearing him laughing and running around like a tornado through the house. When he is gone or sleeping I do enjoy the still and quiet, but it feels like something is missing. I miss the boys when I work, I miss them when they are gone. I really do just love being around my kids. So, I guess I will always be that mom who can never just let go. I will be the mom that goes in the car and cries when her boy heads off to school. I will have a harder time than he will. I am sure I will love it for many reasons, but man will I miss him.

For now, he only goes two days a week for three hours. It's perfect. I get to spend that time with Beckham and I am loving it. I love going to pick Kaden up and seeing him run to Beckham and I. Becks gets so excited when we pick brother up. The school is brand new and has the most fun playground.

The other day when I wen to get him, Kaden's teacher called him over to her and gave him some flowers. He got the biggest grin like he had just remembered...he came running to me with his flowers, "Mom! I picked these for you because I LOVE you!" He is just so sweet. As we were walking out his teacher said Kaden is so adorable. He is so sweet and I love having him again this year. I know we aren't supposed to have favorites, but he really is so special. I am going to miss him next year...

He is so special, and I'm going to miss him next year too... I'm pathetic!!

how do I love you? let me count the ways...

2011-09-20T10:21:00.000-06:00

I love you on your best, and very worst of days...

Matt and I celebrated 7 years of marriage back in August. It's crazy how life has gone the last seven years. There have been many ups and downs, tears and laughter, kids, noise, work and play. I still wish we could say we are experts, or even good at this adventure of marriage, but we aren't. We still have our flaws, we still argue about the same stupid things that we should really just let go and let be. We still throw our arms in the air and stomp off dramatically sometimes.

We also continue to laugh often and tease each other playfully. We still try to make things fun. We are both still easy-going and peace loving so we try really hard to keep the home happy. We still try to love each other better and make each other smile. We still feel so fortunate to have one another. The good and the love in this marriage outnumbers the crazy things and the silly arguments 100fold. We still work at things and it always pays off.

I know I have a lot more growing and maturing to do. Matt is amazing. He is forgiving and loving. He is patient, kind, lets me get away with more than he should, and treats me like a queen, like God's gift to the world. I am so appreciative of him, of his love, and of the things he continues to teach me, day in and day out. I am so grateful that we continue learning to love each other better, and that we are on this journey together. I can't think of anyone I would rather try to navigate this crazy life with than him. I love him more than I can say. Happy seven years, Handsome!

i just can't narrow them down

2011-09-17T21:19:00.000-06:00

Today was so perfect. It felt like fall; it was crisp and cool. The colors are already changing. I swear it happened overnight. It's been so hot (for here) this summer with nearly no rain. Just this last week it started raining and cooling off like crazy. I am loving it. I went to the farmer's market and felt like I was in Heaven. I brought back some seriously delicious stuff. I can't wait for our garden next year.

I took the kids to the park and I think it ranked up with some of the very best days we've had together all year. At first I was trying to keep them clean and dry, but soon discovered it was going to be impossible. Plus, I remember being a kid--the mud and water are some of the most fun toys on earth. The boys were happy. So happy. I was so glad to have my camera with me. I have been such a slacker lately and the pictures I captured today make up for it. I couldn't sort through them, they are all just so precious to me. Watching Kaden run a million miles a minute, seeing Beckham able to explore and wander like any 2-year-old does. It was a whole new experience for him and he was thrilled. I caught some of hte most priceless expressions. These little faces are the things I want to remember. These pictures of Kaden running, splashing, laying in the mud--those are the things I want to think about in 5, 10, 40 yrs...

Kaden made about 15 "sand angels". I dumped so much sand out of his shoes, his socks, his underwear...I have no idea how it all fit in there.

Look at my little boy walking around like it ain't no thing. He is like a new person with so much freedom and confidence. He is so happy and curious. I love seeing him discover and learn new things.

He is so beautiful.

He got up smiling and giggling and continued splashing in the water. I dumped a crazy amount of sound out of his clothes too....and I had to wash their car seats. I even found plenty of sand in my bra. We were a complete mess. A happy, muddy, sandy, wet mess.

I love days like this. I think they are my very, very favorite. Days that are completely unplanned. Days we let unravel as they will. We don't worry about messing up our hair or our clothes. We don't worry about late naps. We do what we want, when we want. I love being a mom. I love it so much I can hardly stand it. Seeing those kids so happy and full of joy made my heart nearly explode. That happy feeling was almost palpable and I know that days like today are the ones that I will remember forever.

could this beautiful boy BE any more photogenic?

2011-09-17T14:31:00.000-06:00

Those deep blue eyes, those lips--he's perfect.

i like adventure

2011-09-07T14:06:00.000-06:00

A few weekends ago a few friends and I got together to hike down Cascade. I have done it multiple times, but it's been years. You climb down into a canyon and follow the water down to a trail to hike out. There are about 10 jumps ranging from 10 ft to about 20. Jumping off and sliding down waterfalls is so much fun. Once you make the first jump, there is no turning back. You have to finish.

The storm clouds were brewing on our drive up, but that didn't deter us from our plans. As lightning struck I started getting nervous. I never used to get nervous, but ever since becoming a mom, my logical (and completely illogical) brain kicks in and warns me of every possible scenario that could happen. what if lightning strikes the water? what if I get hypothermia? what if I slip and hit my head? what if I die and my kids don't have a mom? Seriously, it's ridiculous. Regardless, I made us say a little prayer, just to be sure.

We got out of the car to start the climb into the slender canyon, and Marisa and Angie started busting out their wetsuits. I thought it was hilarious, I teased them, and had to take a few pictures-especially since Angie's was made for infants and we had to tug and pull to get it on. I was laughing to hard. It turns out, I was sort of wishing I had the silly wetsuit on. I remember the water being absolutely the coldest water I have ever been in. Really, there is nothing that can prepare you for the absolute and complete shock that goes through your body as you jump into that water. I think it's 34 degrees, 35 tops. It takes your breath away, makes your entire body go numb, and is exhilarating. The problem was that usually I go when it's hot and sunny. This day it drizzled and stormed and I thought I was going to shiver myself to death. It was amazing anyway.

I'm like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's 98% scared, 2% excited. I am only scared because I know how freaking cold that water is. I know I am the biggest dork in the world. I come by it naturally, but anyway, we felt kind of tough for doing it without wetsuits.

The canyon is so beautiful. It's breathtakingly beautiful. I am always just so amazed at how gorgeous God made this earth.

We had so much fun, I can't wait to go next year.

a little thought...

2011-09-05T07:46:00.000-06:00

a little thought...

2011-08-29T11:26:00.000-06:00

he's so cool

2011-08-28T16:50:00.000-06:00

Never a dull moment with this one; he's hilarious.

he's 2!

2011-08-26T08:13:00.000-06:00

Two years ago this precious little boy made his surprise debut into the world. He started out so tiny and helpless. He had black hair, didn't open his eyes for two days, laid in the NICU like a slug for two weeks. He came home on oxygen and slept 20 hours a day. He was like a floppy rag doll. He grew pretty fast. He never cried, and his big beautiful blue eyes were always glued to me. He followed me everywhere I went with his gaze. He was a little snob and wouldn't drink out of a bottle. He wouldn't drink pumped milk. We bonded and spent many hours together just the two of us. He has been slow to hit physical milestones, which has made him seem smaller, longer. He's always been cuddly and always wants his Mama. I cannot even explain the love and special connection this baby and I share. It is not any more special than my bond with Kaden, it's just different and I love that.

Beckham is big now. He's grown and learned so much. He weighs almost 29 lbs, talks constantly, and it's obvious he always thinking and learning new things. He loves his brother. He is feisty and knows what he wants. He is two. He has grown and changed so much over these last two years. It's been such a joy to see his personality unfold, to see him hit milestones that have been such a challenge for him. This boy has me sufficiently wrapped around his fingers. I am so in love.

Last night we sat on the couch and watched the Backyardigans. Such a cute show. He loves it and sings along. He had just exhausted himself when it was getting dark and I drug him off the trampoline kicking and screaming "wanna jump!" He cuddled with me for an hour straight. I caressed his cheeks, kissed his head over and over, and played with his chubby little feet. I was in awe at his perfection and my heart nearly exploded with love and joy.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful baby boy. Beckham, I love you so, so much!

(not so) bright and early

2011-08-22T19:07:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago my friend Lacy asked if I wanted to run with her one morning. We had to meet at six so she could be back before her husband left for work. When my alarm went off I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay in bed where it was so warm and cozy. Having to meet someone is better for me because I get to be accountable to someone. That first run was hard. I felt out of shape and tired, but I loved it. We met every day that week. We have invited a handful of other girls to come and now there are 5 of us that go...even though all 5 haven't been together yet. We've been going for 4 weeks. I still moan when I hear my beeping alarm at 5:30 AM but it feels so good to get out and get moving so early. I love how beautiful it is here. The air is brisk and smells so good.

It's been so good for me. It's good for me to make myself do something hard because I normally resist and I can guarantee I wouldn't be doing this on my own. I love the feeling of having exercised before 7 in the morning. I get home and feel awake and ready for the day. I am getting so much done in the morning. I really feel like by noon I have accomplished more than I usually would have all day. My kids are so happy that I am already up when they wake. I got into a horrible habit of letting Kaden come and jump all over us before we would crawl out of bed. I can't even remember the last time I got to see the sun rise. Now I get to see it rise nearly every day. It is so beautiful.

Matt and I still need to work a lot on getting to bed earlier. I know that now school has started and it will be harder to meet most of my friends, it's going to be harder for me to keep it up. At least now it's become somewhat habitual and maybe that will help. I don't know why I posted a whole long thing about nothing, but I really feel so much happier and energetic getting up early, being able to have some time to myself, and to think and run, and to enjoy good company and beautiful surroundings. Maybe that saying is true, Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. I could sure be happy about that!

bumpy beds

2011-08-17T10:21:00.000-06:00

Kaden has been asking for a "bumpy bed" for the longest time. We decided to try it out and those boys are beyond excited. I thought Beckham might be too small to be in a big boy bed, but he is in Heaven. They were giddy and hysterical as my dad and I put this together. They have loved it. Kaden thinks he is the luckiest boy with a jungle gym in his room. He is crazy. I couldn't get a good picture of the kid because he is constantly flying off the top bunk.

Beckham didn't get out on his own for about a week. The he figured it out and felt so proud. Matt and I were watching movie and here he comes. He had the hugest smile on his face and said HI! Then he made a loop around the kitchen and said see ya and trotted back to his room. He came back out and repeated the same thing about 5 times. It was too cute. Kaden was yelling from his bed, tattling, mama! Beckham is out of his bed! Later when I got Beckham to settle down Kaden said, Mama, I am so happy you are proud of me for staying in my bed. He is silly.

Those are some seriously kissable lips right there. And that belly?!?!

That little monkey is so loved.

little hiking buddy

2011-08-15T07:26:00.000-06:00

Last weekend after our little lake day I took the boys up my favorite trail. I carried Becks in the backpack and Kaden hiked all by himself. It was his first official hike. He is so cute and funny. He loved every single second and was so proud of himself. It was like hiking with a dog. He was running ahead, jumping off the trail, climbing on rocks, and checking out every single thing. He was noticing things and paying attention to what he saw, the things he heard, and really soaking everything in. I was filled with joy watching him explore. That kid has so much energy. We went over two miles, a lot of it uphill and rocky, and he kept right up. He ran most of the way, back and forth, up and down, and never seemed to tire. He kept saying, Mama! I'm such a good little hiker man! ... I am so fast and strong...I'm not even tired, Mama!

On our drive back we stopped at a natural spring and filled water bottles. Kaden thought that was the coolest thing. The water comes right out of the rock and tastes SO good. Clean and pure. When we got back to my parent's house, where Matt had been helping with kitchen remodel, Kaden was so excited to tell Daddy, Nana, and Papa all about his hiking adventures. He was so proud of himself. I am going to love having him as a little hiking buddy.

it's official!

2011-08-10T14:06:00.000-06:00

We are so proud--beyond proud. We are celebrating like no child has ever learned to walk before.

lake day

2011-08-07T21:38:00.001-06:00

On Saturday we decided to head up to the lake for a picnic and some splashing around. Kaden was so excited to play he didn't even want to eat his lunch. The place I wanted to go was a little crowded, but we found a pretty good spot. The water was a bit murky and there was tons of mud, but the boys were in Heaven. Toby was so happy. Matt and I loved sitting on the beach watching everyone running around so happy and free. The perfect little family outing on a Saturday afternoon.

Beckham and Matt sat on the shore forever just throwing rocks and splashing. Beckham was giggling uncontrollably. He never got tired of throwing rocks and watching them splash. Even when the water got him right on the face he thought it was hilarious. Kaden floated around in a little raft for almost the entire time. It has leg holes, so he just waded around where he could touch. I had to practically force him out of it when it was time to go.

I love impromptu stuff like this. We just decided to go and went. It wasn't that much work and the fun we had together was perfect. The weather was perfect, the water felt great, and it was so fun to be together, just us. I need to do more of the last minute stuff that I sometimes dismiss because it seems like too much work and I don't feel like I have the energy for it. Stuff like this gives me more energy because seeing my husband and kids happy, feeling sun on my face, and being carefree is always worth the hassle, and in the end wasn't a hassle at all. It's always worth it. It's almost always refreshing and energizing.

a boy and his critters

2011-08-07T21:02:00.000-06:00

Kaden loves searching for critters, bugs, or anything that moves. We have found toads bigger than my fists, but the other day we found a tiny little frog. Kaden was so excited about it, thrilled to pieces watching it jump through the grass. Boys will be boys.

maybe he can't jump, but...

2011-08-02T15:48:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel a little sad and wonder, who's going to teach the kids to throw a ball? Who's going to take them on manly camping adventures? Who is going to throw them around and make them tough? Then I realize that maybe that stuff isn't really that important. They will learn how to do all of that, and more, and it doesn't really matter that much that Matt might not be the one that helps them conquer those things. I wish he could be the one, but when I think about what he is capable of, and very involved in, those things almost seem inconsequential.

Matt loves to teach our kids things. Sometimes I find myself saying, Babe, he's only 4! when Matt is teaching Kaden about how a light bulb or battery works, or the complete detailed inner workings of a car--the engine, pistons, etc. He loves to teach them about the gospel, about how to be a good and honest person, about anything he thinks about. He reads to them, plays with them the best he can, loves them unconditionally, and tries his hardest to do whatever they (or I) need help with. He talks to them openly and honestly and they idolize him.

He lays on the floor and lets them climb all over him. He does wrestle with them in his own way. It's so fun to see them interact. On Sunday while I was working on dinner, he took them out to the trampoline. I heard so much laughter out there. I peeked out and it was one of the cutest scenes. A daddy with his boys, giggling and playing. My heart melted. He was bouncing them, they were bouncing him, Beckham was climbing all over him; it was precious. I hurried and grabbed my camera and attempted to capture a piece of the magic. I would have never dreamed 6 years ago that this scene would be a very real thing in our life. I never would have anticipated such a full and joyful time with my husband and kids. It's okay that he can't chase them full speed, that he can't throw a ball straight, that he can't hike a 14er with them. The things he can do are more amazing, still so special to our kids and to me, and I consider it a privilege to get to spend this life with this man, to see his incredible influence and humble teaching of our children. Who cares if he can jump?

not far off

2011-07-30T08:31:00.000-06:00

I had anticipated that even though Beckham took his first steps, it would still be a while before he was actually walking. He has always been cautious, and it's like his instincts are to walk and he will almost take off, but then his brain chimes in um, this could be dangerous. This could take effort and work...we don't like that, remember? What if you fall down? He's gotten to be a little stinker about walking. If he thinks I might let go of his hand, he will just plop down right then and there, refusing to walk. If he doesn't want to walk and I am trying to get him to, he will bend his knees and lift his legs, refusing to touch the ground. The kid is a bona fide two-year-old.

Lately he's been wanting to walk everywhere (holding my hand, of course). When I carry him, he is literally diving out of my arms (funny how that doesn't seem to scream danger to him) and saying over and over "i wanna walk, wanna walk, wanna walk!". He's really so stable most of the time and I feel like I could easily just let go and he would be off on his own, but he just won't have that.

The other day I was holding his arm while he was standing in his room. He was doing it completely on his own so I let go. He stood there for about 5 seconds, looked around and realized I wasn't holding him anymore, turned and walked about 6 steps to his wall, held the wall and turned around and started screaming at me! It was so hilarious.
The other day Diane, his pt, was here and we were talking about his cautiousness and stubbornness. We were talking about how it might be months before he feels confident to take off on his own. It was like he was listening and decided he was going to show us. That day he walked from fridge to island, from dishwasher to counter, from fridge to living room multiple times. Only about 5 steps at a time, but he did it over and over. He's been doing that for the last few days and each time he seems more confident and happy about it. It's just too adorable, watching him get so excited for himself.

Knowing now that he is okay, that he doesn't have any sort of syndrome or issue of great concern, I can say that I have absolutely enjoyed the fact that he has done all the physical stuff so much later. He's a smart little guy, but he has seemed to stay a baby longer and I've loved it. I'm excited for him to hit milestones, and they seem like such a bigger deal than they normally would, but I am grateful to have had the extra time carrying him around and keeping him safe and small. It won't be long before he is running around and living the life of a crazy little boy. I am excited for that too, but enjoying this time now.

These pictures are so funny. His impish little grin in the first, and in the second he just looks like an old man with a gut and remote in hand.

thankful little boy

2011-07-29T07:45:00.000-06:00

I want to teach my kids to be grateful. I want them to appreciate the little things, to realize how blessed they are even when things aren't going their way. I want them to notice what matters, to realize that life is good, things are good, and that no matter what, there is much to be grateful for. So far, I think that Kaden is learning to appreciate things in his life, big and small. He is always happy with little things. Often we are driving and he will say, "Mom! It's such a beautiful day!" Beckham says thank you for everything and I love it.

The other night during dinner, he just starting going on and on and Matt and I were chuckling and smiling. This boy melts my heart. Even though he can be a handful, I am so proud of the little person he is and I wouldn't change anything about him.

Hey Mama, thank you for loving me. And thanks for being nice to my friends. And thanks for my new bumpy bed (bunk bed). Thank you for feeding me good food and sometimes treats. And thanks for all my trains and toys. And thanks for being nice to Beckham and for feeding him. Thank you for my pool and my trampoline and my sand box. Thank you for reading me stories. Thank you for taking me to roadside to play in the water. Thank you for feeding Daddy and being nice to him too.

I guess it shows what's important to us in this household: food and fun. We try to have lots of both.

life can be rough

2011-07-24T15:08:00.000-06:00

This little man has animated temper tantrum throwing down to an art. When he gets mad he is mad. He screams and shrieks, and exclaims things like, "I don't wanna!", "go ousside", or whatever he is demanding. He knows what he wants. I have started putting him in time-out and he hates it when I start counting. He's been happy to help me count 1-2-3 for Kaden, but when I put my fingers up for him, he suddenly stops and looks surprised. He starts wailing again and finds himself alone in his room.

I guess you can't be happy and sweet all of the time. But, you can be downright adorable, and he's got that down pat.

i've got my work cut out for me

2011-07-19T21:59:00.000-06:00

attempting to raise this child (and the other one, too!).

Man this boy gives me a run for my money. It's a good thing that I am not a paranoid mother, because if I was I would have suffered multiple heart attacks by now. As it is, he's got my heart pounding and me uttering prayers right and left. Between his constant climbing and jumping on and off of everything, his wandering off, his no fear of strangers, his feeling of complete invincibility, and the fact that he is just an active four-year-old boy, he has me feeling like I've been through the ringer on some days.

A few weeks ago he gave me a real scare. We had taken Matt to the dentist in the morning and while we waited we walked around downtown. It was pretty warm and humid, and Kaden was his usual self--bounding, skipping, and hopping around the entire time. After we picked Matt up we ran a few errands and picked up some groceries. On our way home both boys fell fast asleep. I had the air conditioning running the whole time in town and on the way home. We pulled into the garage and the temperature was in the 90's. I asked Matt to start unloading groceries and I would put the boys to bed. I took Becham first, laid him down and came right out for Kaden. It had been less than 2 minutes. When I got to the car Kaden had woken and was crying and Matt was telling him to get out of the car. I went to Kaden and helped him out and started to grab groceries.

I noticed him trying to climb back in the car and he was saying something that made no sense. He couldn't find something and as I asked him to tell me what he was talking about he made less and less sense. I pulled him out and tried to shut the door and he stumbled. I lifted him up and he stumbled again, still uttering nonsensical things. Then he started gagging and acting like he was going to throw up. I grabbed his hand to help him walk inside. He kept tripping and couldn't even stand and I started worrying. I picked him up and we hurried inside. I laid him down on the kitchen table and he had his head turned to the side. I asked him to look at me over and over and it was like he couldn't. His eyes were glossy, his cheeks red, and he just looked different. He wasn't sweaty at all and I was convinced he was having heat stroke. I took him into the living room and we sat on the couch. I had Matt get a cool wet cloth and some cool water. I was asking Kaden his name, my name, easy questions and he couldn't answer them at all. He threw up and I kept thinking, okay, when do I decide to call 911?!? I was racking my brain trying to remember the right things to do with heat stroke, which is completely different than heat exhaustion.

I gave him a few sips of cool water and laid him on the couch with his feet up and the cool rag on his head. I just talked to him and after about 3 minutes he started acting more normal and by 10 he seemed tired, but fine. He lounged around most of the day. I looked up heat stroke and decided that is what happened to him for sure. With kids it can come on so fast, especially if they have been active and they haven't had enough to drink. He had been drinking stuff all day, but that kid never stops and he does seem to get hot easily. It was just so crazy how fast it happened. Literally in 3 minutes or less. I was so thankful that I had done just the right thing to help him (thankfully no doubt from inspiration, and a class I taught at girl's camp), and he responded to it quickly.

It's so scary all of the things that can go wrong so quickly. I try not to entertain thoughts about what could happen at any moment, what could have been this close to happening at one time or another. It's amazing any of us survive anything. I know that having kids will give me a run for my money for the rest of my life, for one reason or another, but I just hope that I am paying close enough attention, that I am able to calm my mind and think clearly, and in the instances when I really have no idea what to do, I will be inspired and guided. Phew, this is tough!

totally makes sense

2011-07-14T10:20:00.000-06:00

Kaden: Mama, some people really like to smoke sugarettes, but they are stinky.
Me: Are cigarettes good for people, or bad?
Kaden: Sugarettes are very bad for people who don't have smokestacks! 'Cause Mama, where is all that smoke gonna go?!

He kills me with his cuteness.

roadside

2011-07-11T23:20:00.000-06:00

Every week a group of moms and our kids get together for picnicking, tubing, talking, and playing. It's so much fun. Our ages vary from 20-40something, and the kids from newborn to 15. We pack our lunches, towels, chairs, tubes, and whatever else we can think of and set up camp for the afternoon. I love it; the kids love it. Kaden is big enough this year to ride in the tube by himself. He loves the tube, but has even more fun in the tree. He spends the majority of his time on a limb watching all the other kids tube underneath him. He's such a monkey. Beckham loves the tube too, but he seems more interested in the snacks that I bring. His very favorite spot is on a big rock in the middle of the water. We sit there together and splash and he cheers "YAY!" and claps as kids float by. It's one of our very favorite times of the week when we get to soak up summer.

my big boy

2011-07-06T12:21:00.000-06:00

Kaden is a big 4 1/2-year-old. He's changed so much in the past year. He's matured in a lot of ways. He is still an attention-craving, bouncing-off-the-walls, spirited little kid. He loves his life and is happy nearly 100% of the time. He really is the most joyful kid I know. He is sensitive though, and cries easily if his feelings are hurt or something isn't going how he wants it to. We are trying a few things to get his behavior under control. He wants to please and consistency pays off. He is sensitive to other people's feelings and always wants everyone to be happy. He is a loving big brother. He is so concerned about his baby. When we go to the gym, or places with a lot of kids, he is very protective of Beckham and really looks out for him. He wants to help him and make him happy. It's very cute how much they really adore each other.

Kaden talks (and wiggles) nonstop. He tells stories, and comes up with the most ridiculous things. There is never a dull moment with that boy. He loves to be outside. His favorite thing is watering anything and everything. He doesn't understand that I have to pay for all of that water he is using to create mud puddles and sidewalk paint. His train obsession never dies. He loves to learn new things, loves books and puzzles, and wants to help out with anything he can. He is so in love with his mommy and I couldn't be more happy about that.

Kaden has turned from baby into a little boy. He no longer has the big belly and chubby cheeks. He is lean and so muscly; he looks like a little man. He is coordinated and athletic. He climbs on absolutely everything. He is social and knows no stranger. He will talk to absolutely anyone. He's quite a charmer and gets people to fall in love with him. These past 4 1/2 years have flown by. I have absolutely loved this little boy from day one, and I am melted more and more every day. He has a secure place in my heart and I can't be more thankful for my little "Christmas Baby." God sure knew what our family needed when he surprised us with Kaden.

22 months-it's a big deal

2011-06-27T14:05:00.000-06:00

My little chubby boy is 22 months old. Not necessarily a monumental age, but significant to us! He took his first steps yesterday. I was shocked, excited, and nearly teared up. I just couldn't believe it. Nana B was staying the night on her way home from Albuquerque. We were eating cutie oranges and Beckham wanted them so bad. He kept saying "apple!!" over and over and "bite, pwees, bite pwees, BITE!". I was on one couch, Traci the other, and he just walked over to get a slice of the orange. It was 2 or 3 steps, but so controlled and almost coordinated! We cheered and clapped and he giggled. We kept trying and he would go 2 or 3 steps, then he went at least 6 or 7. We were going crazy and he was beside himself. He loves to be praised and cheered for.

Today we tried again and he knew what we were up to and refused to cooperate. Little stinker. He was lifting his legs, swiveling his hips, and doing back-bends. That's just him though. He does his own thing in his own time. I have loved having him seem like a baby for so long and I know I will miss him crawling around, but I am excited for him to walk. He's made amazing progress in the past few months. He's getting stronger and hitting milestones faster than ever. It may still take a few months until he really gets going on his own, but I am so proud. He is so stinking adorable I can hardly stand it.

He is talking more and more everyday and says hilarious things. We always sing the abc's when brushing our teeth. If I forget to sing it, he starts. He tells Kaden to "be nice!" all of the time, even when he is the instigator, which is becoming more common. He counts, "1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 6, 9," so cute. He says "bessh you!" every time someone sneezes. If he sneezes, he says, "beeshh you (pause)... Tank you!". He loves to say "yay!" and clap his hands when we cheer for him or someone else. He loves reading stories. He brings me books and says, "weed stowies?!" over and over. He still throws a crazy tantrum, but gets over things quickly. He is snuggly and full of hugs and kisses and "I laluv you!". He is a great self entertainer and is loving his new mobility. He is all over the place. He and Kaden are getting to be buddies. They also are learning to get irritated with each other and fight sometimes...but right now those fights are pretty funny. His new favorite thing is the trampoline. He loves to be bounced and it's so good for his developing balance and core strength. He loves water. LOVES water.

I am always overwhelmed with his cuteness and my love for him. It's hard to believe he is already almost 2. He brings more joy to this family than I could ever express. We are so lucky to have his little spirit in our home.

beautiful

2011-06-27T00:39:00.000-06:00

Stunning, and so happy.

i love being smothered

2011-06-26T13:19:00.000-06:00

I love being loved. I love being smothered, climbed on, kissed, and hugged incessantly. I love being cuddled and told "I love you" over and over. I feel blessed that my boys are all so affectionate toward me. I am sure that some of that comes from the fact that Matt and I completely smother them too. Sometimes I reach my limit and I don't want anyone to come within 10 feet of me. I just want my space. Most of the time though, I welcome a moment when one of the kids will come up and snuggle with me and love on me with their slobbery kisses and overzealous hugging. The moments are fleeting because they are always onto the next thing so I soak it in. These pictures are a little over exposed, but I love them. These boys love their mommy and I am grateful.

surprise ride on thomas

2011-06-25T12:47:00.000-06:00

Last weekend we surprised Kaden with a trip on Thomas. My parents have taken him the last two years and he absolutely loves it. Thomas travels around the country. He attaches to the train and "pulls" it along while fun music plays and stories are told. It's a pretty fun little ride. There are also a lot of booths set up with games, stories, magicians, a petting zoo, and bouncy castles. Kaden was in Heaven. It is so fun to see his face light up when he is excited. He could barely contain his happiness in that little body of his. Beckham was pretty excited too when he woke up to find himself on a train ride! Matt and I had such a fun day seeing our little guys happy and having so much fun. I love surprising them. Now, Kaden just needs to learn that the word "surprise" doesn't necessarily mean present. He was still expecting a gift after the day was done. We talked about it and I think he gets it now. He was still so appreciative. He said numerous times, all day long, "thank you so much mommy and daddy for taking me on Thomas!!", and "I love you, I LOVE YOU!".

cool little dude

2011-06-23T21:12:00.000-06:00

He's so handsome!

i bit back

2011-06-19T18:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we had a beautiful day together as a family. We surprised Kaden with a train ride and he was ecstatic. There was a little part of the day that soured my attitude for a few minutes though.

We pulled up to one of our favorite little places to eat. There were two handicapped spots, one by the entrance, the other about 20 feet away under a tree. I had just washed my car and didn't want sap dripping on it, so I pulled into the one closest to the door. Immediately, a man jumped out of the car behind us and came up to us and very rudely asked, "are you guys really handicapped?" I nodded yes and he continued, "well, just so you know we have an 80-year-old that could really use that space." I get it, but his tone and gestures were outrageous. I would have been happy to move for him if he really needed it, but he walked away throwing his hand in the air.

We got out and watched as their 80-year-old stepped out of his car and walked to the wheelchair they had for him, sat down and was pushed inside. The rude man had to walk an extra 20 feet...not the 80-year-old.

We got in line and a sweet lady turned around to me and very sincerely said, "I am so sorry that man was so rude to you about your parking spot." I smiled at her and said that it was okay, we get looks a lot because of our young age. She told me that she has MS and several disabled children and things like that infuriate her. I wasn't really mad at this point, just baffled at how rudely the man acted, and then after he saw Matt hobble inside, didn't offer an apology, or even an apologetic look or a smile. Nothing.

We got our food and sat down to eat. When we were almost finished eating, the sweet lady came over to me and said, "I just feel impressed to give this to you", handing me a gift card to that restaurant. "I know that God feels so sad when people treat you that way and I am really sorry." She was so empathetic and sincere. Her kindness totally made my day. Matt went to the restroom while I gathered the kids and threw our trash away.

As I was walking out the door I asked Kaden to run in and tell Daddy that we would just meet him at the car. The 80-year-old and the other man were standing nearby and said, "yeah, and we are waiting for him to come out so we can use the bathroom." There are several stalls in there, but whatever. I told him that he would be out eventually. As Kaden ran in to tell Matt, he barely brushed up against the old man's arm. I apologized and the rude man rolled his eyes and threw his hand up again.

When Kaden came out, I decided that we would just wait for Matt right there. I could see that these men were getting very impatient and I was about to go say something to Matt myself, when the rude man said, "what is this guy doing in there, BATHING?!?" I got so mad. I am one that never says anything when things like this happen. I bite my tongue and pretend I didn't hear it. I just couldn't do that this time. I walked over to him and said very firmly, "excuse me but you are so rude. You have absolutely NO idea what that man has been through in his life. Your comment was extremely rude and uncalled for and you were so belligerent when we parked in the handicapped space." He interrupted me and said, "Ma'am, I just asked if you really were handicapped. I saw two young people pull in and figured you didn't need that spot." His tone was still so rude and his demeanor made my blood boil. I just said, "yeah, that was very judgemental and maybe next time you should think twice before deciding whether or not someone deserves your space." Matt came out and heard part of it and just nodded to the man and curtly said, "have a nice day." We walked away and I asked Matt how his bath was.

Maybe I was really rude too and I shouldn't have said anything. I just get so protective of Matt and I couldn't believe this guy. Maybe I live in a little bubble of happy people, but I just don't run into this kind of thing, at all really. I kind of feel bad for people like this who seem to have so much anger in their heart and they just can't be happy, or even kind to people.

I went in my car and tears were stinging my eyes. At first I was really mad. Then I felt so sad. I called my mom and told her the story and Matt and I talked about it and I got over it and we had a great day together. I watched with a smile as Matt pushed the kids in their stroller. I know that I, we, are blessed. Life isn't perfect, people are mean sometimes, but things really are so good.

because they are just too dang cute

2011-06-13T23:40:00.000-06:00

and I can't help myself.

Sunday before bed we enjoyed a little time in the driveway. We colored with chalk, watered flowers, and I loved watching the boys be silly. Beckham is hilarious. He loves to be outside more than anything and he is always on a mission. He's gotten so fast and he's into everything. It makes me so happy to see him moving everywhere. They were being hilarious so I grabbed the camera and took a bajillion pictures. I really can't get enough of these sweet faces.

I love Beck's cheesy grin. Usually he squints both eyes and smiles really big. It's so funny. He is such a ham and knows how to flirt and get attention. He is good at it, and it always makes me laugh.

This boy is getting so big, so fast.

I loved watching Beckham bear crawl. He didn't want to touch the wet cement with his knees. He also went up and down the steps about 50 times.

Kaden ran around like usual. I love his happy little spirit. He is so full of love and energy and watching him play and enjoy his life 100% makes me the happiest mom.

I'm so lucky to get to play with these two all of the time. They bring me joy like I can't explain. Looking at them and their sweet, amazing, perfect faces fills me with love. Watching them learn and grow fulfills me. Seeing Beckham improve by leaps and bounds excites me to no end. I've said it a million times, and I'll never quit, these boys are perfect. They light up my life.

ball dropper

2011-06-09T14:43:00.001-06:00

photo via

I think that should be my new nickname. Or maybe it should have been my nickname all along. Heaven knows I am good at it. I am getting worse and worse though and fear I have early onset dementia or something. I am also the queen of procrastination, one of my best and worst qualities, but we'll save that for another day. These two things don't do so well together.

During our relay it seemed like everything I touched went missing. I packed the cabin keys with my stuff but didn't realize it so we checked out with no keys and had to bring them back later. I left the keys in the car after grabbing something out, and thankfully didn't remember to lock the car, like I should have. BALL DROPPER.

I cannot even say how many times I had to call my poor mom when I was in school. Half the time I was in tears, "Mom, I left my very very very very important paper that I had weeks to work on and started last night, on the computer and it's due in an hour...will you please drive through a blizzard risking life and limb to bring it to me?" "Mom, the bus is leaving for my basketball game in 5 minutes and my uniform is in the dryer. Will you make a 100 mile trip, early, to bring it to me?" Lunches were forgotten on the counter. Field-trip money was turned in late. Permission slips went unsigned. Cups with breakfast drinks rolled under seats in the car and stayed there for days...

In college I tried to organize myself. I have started countless planners, excited, with great intentions. I used them for a few days, weeks, or even months, but I never stick to it. Even when I do use them, I write things down, but never go back to see what I wrote. Despite my seeming forgetfulness in some areas, my memory is (was) quite impeccable. I could somehow manage a 21 credit schedule and pull off a 4.0, never writing a thing down. I somehow was able to be active in church, recreation, social life, school, etc. I still dropped the ball a little, or a lot, but for everything I had going on, I felt I was doing okay. I still drove myself, and probably everyone else, nuts sometimes.

Now?!? I am worse than ever. I crave organization and order. I wish that I kept up with paperwork. I wish I wasn't a lazy bum who throws things on the counter to put away later. I wish everything had a place and always went there. I wish I could keep a planner. I wish I would write on the ginormous calendar that hangs on my wall, that if I were writing on would be visible from everywhere. I wish I could remember to call people back. I wish there weren't thank-you notes that I wrote months ago sitting on the counter with bills that I should have paid days ago. I wish that I wasn't always running exactly 10 minutes late (despite how much extra time I allow myself) everywhere I go. I wish I didn't have to sheepishly answer the phone when my sweet mom or mother-in-law calls to ask if I have completed a task (that they so lovingly assign and follow up on....they know me too well). I wish I would remember to get Matt's new glasses and find a new brace guy. I wish that when I did remember things it wasn't 3 in the morning or in the middle of my work day.

Sometimes things don't get done because I absolutely don't even think about it. And it's not just the simple menial stuff. Important things that should be pressing on my mind at all times don't even cross my mind. When I finally do remember I am in a panic because how the heck could I forget something so important?! and now there are going to be crazy consequences!

I wish this didn't have to affect me, my kids, my husband, and everyone around me. I mostly feel bad for my kids and Matt though. I filled out the soccer registration form the day I got it. A month before it was due. I forgot to take it to turn in that day, and eventually it went in some paper file and guess who didn't get to play soccer? I am still kicking myself. I have had a child in diapers for 4 1/2 years and I still regularly leave the house without diapers and/0r wipes. I really get so irritated and frustrated with myself. It's embarrassing and it seems like I should be able to get it together. When I do manage to organize, remember, pay attention, do things on time or even early, I feel so much better. I have more time and energy for other things.

It might be true that I can juggle a lot at one time. But, I guarantee for how ever many balls I have flying up in the air, there are a few I won't catch and a whole bunch lying on the ground at my feet. And one of these days I might just get so frustrated I'll drop them all and take a nap.

getting dirty

2011-06-06T14:37:00.000-06:00

So, as I have mentioned before, some serious t.l.c. has been put into our (back) yard. Last year our very hard working and loving parents poured hours into helping us excavate, weed, trench, set up a sprinkler system, seed, rake, you name it. I felt so grateful.

My dad has been over a few times this spring and we've been meticulously tweaking the sprinklers to ensure there will be no more dry spots. I have always known that man is a genius. I swear, he can figure anything out. I have reseeded and mowed that baby and it's looking beautiful. It still has a ways to go, but I still feel so proud.

There is something so rewarding about working hard. My back hurts, I'm filthy, hot, sunburned, and tired, and it feels so good. I love watching my little boys digging and playing and helping me water. I'm still totally overwhelmed with all that has to be done, but it's a fun process. And, maybe by the time I am done, I won't have killed everything in the meantime. I'm not known to have a green thumb.

The boys are getting absolutely filthy. They take a bath every night, but could use a few a day. It seems like a crime to put them in their clean beds looking like they do, even at nap time. They are loving every second though. The other night after their bath the water literally did resemble a mud puddle. After the water drained, the bathtub was full of sand. I love seeing those cute kids running around having fun, getting filthy and basking in every minute. There isn't anything much better than cozying up next to fresh, clean, yummy-smelling kids after a long day of play.

Seriously, just look at that dirty mug! For some reason, he feels the need to run around naked half the time. It' s probably because he goes through about 10 changes of clothes every day and like me, is getting a little annoyed by that. Problem solved. I am trying to convince him to at least wear shorts.

Toby is so cute and just the perfect dog for our family. We love him so much. He just loves being out there with us. He's like a little shadow. He literally is everywhere I am. The boys love him like crazy. He often comes with us when we go places. The other day he was sitting between the kid's carseats and Beckham was petting his head saying over and over, "doood dod tobes. doood dod!"

Kaden is still totally obsessed with "roley polies." He is constantly on a quest to find more. He's also added hunting for toads to his to-do list.
I am already loving this summer so much. I always love summer, but for some reason, this one already feels special.