the little monkey's party

We had a little birthday party for Beckham today. I guess it was more for us (me) than him. Isn't the first birthday party more for the adults anyway? It was really fun. I am not a party planner in the least. It intimidates me. I am scared to prepare food for people, I worry if everyone is having fun, and I get overwhelmed. I actually had so much fun doing this little party. We did a sock monkey theme and I had so much fun picking things out to go together. I made a little banner with pictures of him from birth to a year and I love how it turned out. It all came together and looked so cute. Thanks to lots of help from my mom the food was so yummy. We had fruit salad, chips and dip, potato salad, hamburgers, and lots of sweets. I loved having friends and family over to join in on the fun. It was a perfect celebration for our little monkey.

Beckham was so excited about this toy. He didn't want Kaden to touch it and yelled at him every time he got close. Becks can get so feisty sometimes, but I don't blame him. Kaden is slowly, very slowly, learning to share the spotlight. Poor little guy, it really is so hard for him. He is pretty sure that he is the reason the world turns, and that everything belongs to him.

He didn't dive into his cake like most babies do. He wasn't too sure what to do with it; I think that it was a little overwhelming.

It was such a fun, laid back party. Maybe I can get the hang of it someday and feel more comfortable entertaining. In the meantime, I have plenty of leftover candy to last me for weeks (okay, honestly, maybe it will last a few days). Happy birthday to my little monkey!

birthday boy

My baby turned 1 today. I had to snap a few pictures to remember just what he looked like on his big day. What a cutie. I've already gone on and on, over and over, about how much I love this little man. He is precious. A year ago he made his grand entrance into the world a little too early. He's had some bumps to go over and has caused my heart to worry a little. He's made me and our family so happy. My heart grew the day he was born and keeps growing more and more. I love him so much and can't imagine life without him. It's hard to remember life without him. He belongs to us, in this family. Happy Birthday baby boy!

my boy

my pal, my partner in crime.

I have dilemma. I am in a pickle. I am not sure why this decision seems so big to me. Maybe it's because any decision is big to me; I am a horrible, awful, terrible decision maker. I go back and forth, back and forth, it's quite ridiculous. I am trying to figure out to do with Kaden and school. I should have figured this out months ago, but I wavered and hesitated, and now preschool starts tomorrow and I am behind.

Kaden wants to go to school so bad. He's been excited to go and talking about it for months and months. He was talking to Andrea on the phone last night and she asked him if he wanted to go and he said, "I really want to go to school Andree. I want to go very badly." It was so cute. We went to the preschool open house last night, in hopes of it helping me figure out what to do. He is ready. Socially, academically, physically, behaviorally, etc. I am NOT ready. I remember reading things like this before I had my own little kids and thought, "what's the big deal? It's exciting. It's a new milestone. It's time to yourself. It's a little extra peace and quiet..." etc. But now? I am such a wimp.

I will miss that little dude if he goes to school. I had finally peacefully come to the decision to send him to two half days a week. No big deal. (I work 2 half to full days, usually Tues. and Fri., but he gets to spend it with my mom. I miss the boys on those days, but I love what I do and am blessed to be able to get by working only 2 days.) Last night at the open house I went to turn in my application (late) and found we had to be put on a waiting list for the half days (True to form. I can't possibly turn anything in early or on time, that would just freak everyone out). "You are in luck!" the lady told me. "We just had someone cancel for Monday & Wednesday full days and you can put him right in!" One of his best friends will be going on those days and I know he'd love it. I still haven't made up my mind, but I have to quick before the spot is taken.

He was so excited walking through the school. He was beaming. I know he'd love it. Am I being totally silly about this? I just feel like kids are only little once. Once they go to school they are there forever. All day every day. I absolutely never judge anyone who chooses to work and put their kids in daycare, or sends their kids to preschool all day every day. For me, I feel like if possible, a little one should be able to be with his mom and her influence for as long as possible. My boy and I have a special bond. I adore him and love our time together. I am sure that I would love the time with just Beckham. I am sure I would be able to get a lot more done. I am sure he wouldn't miss me a bit.

Maybe this decision is harder for me because I work Tuesays and Fridays. If I worked at least one of the days he was in school it would make a big difference. Uggh, I just don't know what to do but I better figure it out quick. If anyone has suggestions or experience I am all ears. Being a mom is hard and it just gets tougher and tougher. I am not sure I am cut out for it. If a silly thing like preschool stresses me out I can only imagine how I'll be when the really tough stuff comes my way.

treasure

I am so excited. I finally finished editing our blog to create a book for 2008. It's over 200 pages. Wow. It took me hours and hours because I was so meticulous and wanted it to turn out just right. It was so much fun for me. I loved going back and reading previous posts, looking at pictures and remembering things I had forgotten. I can't wait to get it published and to tangibly have a year of our life that I can go back and look through whenever I want to.

Sometimes I might share too much on this blog (I tend to do that; it's like I just don't know when to stay quiet). I hesitated writing about our anniversary because it wasn't the beautiful day I had hoped it would be. Because this is where I come to share our adventures, our happiness and heartache, I want it to be real. I want it to be us. I want it to be what it is meant to be, a recorded memory for me, for my family.

It was a blessing to go through and read it all over again. To see where we've come in the last two years. To see the things that weighed heavily on me all worked out just fine. To see how our prayers were answered 10 fold. That is the purpose of journaling. To be able to go back and see how life unfolded in exactly the way it was supposed to. To look at the canvas that was painted into a masterpiece. Each stroke, even the ugly ones, were all for a purpose.

I have loved looking at our photos. I post and exorbitant amount of pictures on here, and I love that my book for 2008 is not only a journal, but a photo album as well. It's so fun to see how Kaden has grown. His fat little belly and chubby legs have transformed into a lean and toned little boy body. The things he did when he was 18 months old were just foreshadowing of what he would be up to now. I can't wait to complete each year and to receive the beautiful treasure that is our family and our story.

6 years

On Friday, August 13th, Matt and I had our 6th wedding anniversary. For some reason it was a really sad day for me. I have never felt that way before on our anniversary. We were married on a Friday, and I thought about that beautiful day. I replayed the events leading up to our sealing, the perfect day we had, and how excited we were to start our lives together. I remembered driving to the little airport in Manti and seeing Matt get off the plane with his dad, after not seeing him for over a month. I remember our excitement as we got our marriage certificate. I remember that beautiful night before our wedding day when we walked around town holding hands, eventually making it to the hill in front of the temple where we sat and talked for hours. I remember that next morning, getting up early to look just right. When I arrived at the temple I will never forget the way Matt looked. The way he turned around and literally started glowing when he saw me. I will never forget that big smile. True to form, he forgot the marriage license and I forgot my recommend (and we still are forgetting things all the time). I remember the long drive back to Colorado. We were so excited. We talked and I couldn't stop smiling. Everything about that day was perfect.

There were so many things I was feeling on Friday that I am not sure I could even figure it out. Maybe I was sad because Matt and I had so many dreams and plans. Life hasn't turned out at all how we'd expected. Remembering Matt that day, and those first 10 months of marriage makes me miss him so much. Maybe I spent a little too much time feeling sorry for myself. The next day, Matt brought home the most amazing bouquet of roses I have ever received. He had bought them the day before, but forgot to bring them home. He was so excited to give them to me. I thought about how wonderful he is, and how even though things are not how we expected, our life is so blessed and beautiful. Our life is absolutely beautiful.

A few months ago I stumbled across this blog. It is my favorite to read. I could relate to so many of her thoughts and emotions reading little Nella's story. I have always been one for enjoying the small things. For finding beauty and happiness despite the heartache. I have no doubt that marrying Matt was the right decision. I love him so much and cherish the person he is. I am thankful for every year we've had together and look forward to many more. He is amazing and loves me so much. He loves our boys. He wants to make our life happy. I look around us and see how much we've been blessed, how much love is in our home, what we've built together so far, and see that so many of our dreams have come true. Maybe things haven't gone like we'd planned, but we are writing a beautiful story.

what summer is all about

We spent the evening outside, taking it all in. Summer evenings are my very favorite. I love the perfect way the sun hits everything to give it all a soft glow. We ate out on the deck tonight. A perfect summer dinner of mandarin chicken salad with homemade bread. The baby bounced and bounced.

I couldn't stop admiring the progress our yard is making-slowly but surely. One of the best parts of my week was when there was finally a break in rain when I had time to go out and mow the grass. It was weedy and overgrown. To my surprise, the lawn is looking awesome. It's thick and green and getting better and better. I am so excited to have beautiful, green, thick, soft grass to run around on, picnic on, lay on and play on.

We jumped,

and jumped some more. It was perfect.

This little boy's happy spirit is like having a slice of Heaven. When he is giggling, smiling and joyful, life is at its sweetest.

We played until the sun gave way to the horizon and the flowers bid adieu. I could have stayed out there all night.

sweeties

Loving summer with these little people. Today we went to Roadside, a perfect grassy area with trees, bushes, and walking paths nestled right next to a flowing stream. A big group of moms and kids meet there every week and we savor that time to soak up summer in all its goodness. Kids run and play and leisurely float. Moms chat and laugh. We picnic and bask in the sun. Beckham sits peacefully on his blanket, gingerly playing with one thing at a time. Kaden runs amok, swings on trees, splashes and comes back for a quick cuddle when he's freezing. Beckham is getting quite a beautiful golden glow to his skin. He tans so easily. Kaden is as white as ever, being bathed in sunscreen regularly. After our little outing we came home and napped together while the clouds rolled in. We are loving this summer and the lazy days we get to spend together; it's just going by way too fast. I love it when life slows down and we can enjoy simplicity and savor the little things.