he just wants to be free

can you blame him?

do you miss me?

A few weeks ago I was at the gym and a lady I see there all the time came to talk to me.  She told me that she sees Matt a lot, that he is so friendly, sweet, and seems to really enjoy his job.  Then she said something that totally caught me off guard.  She said, "He thinks he is totally normal, but I know he's not."  I tried not to look offended, but I kind of wanted to start letting her have it.  I am so protective of Matt.  I restrained myself and just explained to her that he does know he isn't who he used to be.  He knows that he gets confused sometimes, he is forgetful, he struggles with things that used to be very simple for him.  I told her he gets frustrated because he knows he is not "normal"; he always tries hard and does his best.  Then I tried to explain that although he is well aware that he is not how he used to be, that he doesn't live the same kind of life most people enjoy, there is mercy in him not realizing the extent of how much he really did lose.  She was sweet, and I am sure she didn't mean to come across the way she did, but I seriously wonder if people think before they say things.

Every now and then, usually at night when we are enjoying our own quiet time together, Matt is very lucid and that's when I see the "old Matt" most.  The other night I was reading and he was brushing his teeth, swishing, taking 500 years to get ready for bed, like always.  He climbed in the covers and looked over at me so sweetly and said, "hey babe, do you miss me?"

I thought I knew what he meant, but wanted to hear what he had to say. I asked him what he meant by that.  "Well, I know that I am not the same Matt that you met and fell in love with.  I try to be him, but I know I am different.  Do you miss the old me?"

It was hard not to get emotional but I looked at him and said, "yeah babe. I miss you so much.  I miss you every day, but I love you now.  Even though I will always miss you, I love you so much."

He just said, "OK.  I love you too."

Honestly, I do miss him.  I miss him so much. My heart is still broken. I still grieve over many pieces of Matt that were lost.  It still hurts and causes as much heartache as it ever did.    But, I am still grateful to have him and to have experienced all of the miracles we have to get to where we are now.  I am still overcome with gratitude for the wonderful pieces of Matt that are the same as they always were. I still love him so much.

trash boys

I love that Matt has always been clean and organized.  He always picks up after himself, our boys, and even me.  He is always good about putting things in their place when he is finished using them. I have never had to pick up wet towels off the floor, or put his clothes away. One of Matt's quirks is that he is obsessive about picking up trash.  He has missed the bus a few times because he is cleaning up the parking lot, or our neighbor's yard.  He will roll down the window in the middle of winter to throw a tiny pebble out of our car.  It is bordering on ridiculous.  Once Kaden was saying our prayer at breakfast and he said, "Please bless daddy to have a good day at work, picking up trash."  We both got a good chuckle out of that one.

This little obsession is wearing off on our boy.  The other day my mom and I were hurrying to get in the car after a little shopping at the mall.  It was unbelievably windy so we were rushing. Kaden all of a sudden starts running down the parking lot, freaking out over a paper that is blowing away.  It scared my mom and I and we chased after him.  "Oh no! I hafta get that trash! It's blowing away!"    He freaks our when trash blows away in the wind; he actually will have a meltdown over it. I guess he makes his daddy proud, even though it can annoy me sometimes.

Matt is the trash man at our house.  He always makes sure the trash gets taken out and never lets the cans get too full. Kaden loves to be a helper and always goes with Daddy to take the trash down the street and back up after it's been emptied.  Those trash boys are cute, even if I do roll my eyes in exasperation sometimes.

my girls

another relaxing, hilarious time with some of my favorite friends in the world. I love that we make the effort to get together as often as possible. It gets trickier as husbands and babies are added into the mix, but I always leave feeling revitalized, refreshed, and happier.

CUTE boys. I love, love, love little boys and all of the dirt, adventure, and craziness that comes with them. Easton was so cute following Kaden around. Kaden shared his kisses, of course.

Friendship is a gift. One that I don't take for granted, not for a second.

honored

I am so proud and honored to be the mommy to these two beautiful boys. They light up my life every single day. I am in love with them. I love being their mom. I know sometimes I make mistakes, lots of them, but I hope that I am raising good boys and teaching them right. They make me so unbelievably happy.

I'm honored, on Mother's Day and every day.

#29

We had a fun weekend celebrating Matt's birthday. The weather didn't cooperate with my original plan, but we made the best of it and now we have plans for my birthday! My mom watched the boys Friday and we went to a hilarious movie and a nice dinner. It's fun to get out just the two of us. We laughed so hard, ate until we were stuffed, held hands, and Matt even let me eat most of his delicious piece of chocolate cake. Saturday we went shopping for a much needed new wardrobe for Matt. I will not comment on how naughty the terrible/wonderful three-year-old was, but the day could have gone better. We still managed to have a few really good moments and I hope that the next time we plan a fun day as a family, we can actually go through with all of it instead of cutting it short (way short).

Matt is proudly sporting the "Fatherhood Badge of Honor". A little spitup on the shirt we didn't notice until after we left. We're really classy.

Happy Birthday Handsome!

8 months

The snuggle bug is 8 months old. Still is the most cuddly little guy. Beckham is sitting for a little bit and rolling over when he feels like it. He just doesn't see the need to get anywhere or exert too much, or any, energy on anything. He has quite the little personality and makes me laugh. He's so sweet, but boy that kid has a temper. He goes from happy to screaming in less than a second, especially if I don't feed him fast enough or steal a bite of his food. He is still a total milk and bottle snob. He is still spoiled rotten. He is still sleeping in our room. It's not him (he sleeps all night), it's me. I just can't bring myself to kick him out yet. He makes the most hilarious expressions. They are usually directed at Kaden as he watches him bound around like a crazy monkey, or while he's getting mauled. Poor boy is going to be one tough cookie.

Oh help me; this kills me every time.