Saturday, May 15, 2010

do you miss me?

A few weeks ago I was at the gym and a lady I see there all the time came to talk to me.  She told me that she sees Matt a lot, that he is so friendly, sweet, and seems to really enjoy his job.  Then she said something that totally caught me off guard.  She said, "He thinks he is totally normal, but I know he's not."  I tried not to look offended, but I kind of wanted to start letting her have it.  I am so protective of Matt.  I restrained myself and just explained to her that he does know he isn't who he used to be.  He knows that he gets confused sometimes, he is forgetful, he struggles with things that used to be very simple for him.  I told her he gets frustrated because he knows he is not "normal"; he always tries hard and does his best.  Then I tried to explain that although he is well aware that he is not how he used to be, that he doesn't live the same kind of life most people enjoy, there is mercy in him not realizing the extent of how much he really did lose.  She was sweet, and I am sure she didn't mean to come across the way she did, but I seriously wonder if people think before they say things.

Every now and then, usually at night when we are enjoying our own quiet time together, Matt is very lucid and that's when I see the "old Matt" most.  The other night I was reading and he was brushing his teeth, swishing, taking 500 years to get ready for bed, like always.  He climbed in the covers and looked over at me so sweetly and said, "hey babe, do you miss me?"

I thought I knew what he meant, but wanted to hear what he had to say. I asked him what he meant by that.  "Well, I know that I am not the same Matt that you met and fell in love with.  I try to be him, but I know I am different.  Do you miss the old me?"

It was hard not to get emotional but I looked at him and said, "yeah babe. I miss you so much.  I miss you every day, but I love you now.  Even though I will always miss you, I love you so much."

He just said, "OK.  I love you too."

Honestly, I do miss him.  I miss him so much. My heart is still broken. I still grieve over many pieces of Matt that were lost.  It still hurts and causes as much heartache as it ever did.    But, I am still grateful to have him and to have experienced all of the miracles we have to get to where we are now.  I am still overcome with gratitude for the wonderful pieces of Matt that are the same as they always were. I still love him so much.


Lolee said...

It is; in a way, as if you have lost someone you loved. The "new Matt" seems so sweet, so loving, and a great dad. I bet you wouldn't trade him for the world. But you did lost the "old Matt" and you probably have never really given yourself time to properly grieve. Not just for those "old Matt" qualities that you miss and love, but for the expectations or dreams that you might have had. It would be similar if you had a child who suffered an don't love them any less, but you still grieve for those dreams you had for their future. I hope none of this was offensive! I think you and Matt are lucky to have each other:) You were the cutest engaged couple I ever met. :)

Hammer Time said...

bawling...I love you friend. You're amazing and Matt is sweet ressurection day will be for you two! luf you!

Marisa said...

Here i am bawling Jessica!!! You show me who that girl is and I'll walk up and give her a piece of my mind!!! I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you, but man some people just don't know how to shut up!!!!

Just so you know; You are the most amazing strongest person i have ever had the pleasure of meeting!!! Matt is wonderful and i know, you know this.. I feel for you every day, you truly have a mansion of mansions waiting for you... :) We are so grateful that we've had the pleasure of knowing you and Matt now in your life... Keep strong, and remember how much he loves you and everyone else does too.I admire you for being so open w/ your feelings, you truly are amazing. Love ya girl!! :)

Tomber's Heaven said...

Oh Jess, I can't believe how rude that lady was to say that. I don't understand people sometimes. Jess you are seriously my hero. All you and Matt have been through and both of your attitudes towards the whole experience constantly make me try to be better. I love you both so much. Thanks for being you.

Angie said...

I agree with Reese, I want to hunt that girl down as well. I did not know Matt before but I remember you glowing as you talked about him. He is the sweetest and most genuine person I know! He has a great sense of humor and loves everyone so much. Your family is amazing and I know Kaden got his affection from his dad :). Kaden kept making this sad concerned face as Brandon cried for a minute for his mom. He kept asking him why he was sad and hugging him. They both care about others, especially you.

grant + brittany said...

Jess you amaze me every day. seriously. you are truly an angel sent from god. i feel so blessed to know you, matt is so sweet. him asking that just broke my heart a little bit. but you are so amazing at seeing the positive and focusing on how far you all have come. i just have unconditional love for you and really love what you have made your blog to be. i hope to be half the wife and mother that you are.

Laura said...

Hi Jess,
I don't get a chance to read your blog very often, but when I do I just love to see what your cute little family has been up to.

This was such a tender post. You are truly an amazing woman. Your boys are very lucky to have you - all three of them. I can't imagine what your day-to-day must be like having to deal with the insensitive things people say. I truly admire your strength.

You two are such an adorable couple - that's one thing that hasn't changed. You just ooze with love for each other. It's a wonderful thing! :)