do you miss me?

A few weeks ago I was at the gym and a lady I see there all the time came to talk to me.  She told me that she sees Matt a lot, that he is so friendly, sweet, and seems to really enjoy his job.  Then she said something that totally caught me off guard.  She said, "He thinks he is totally normal, but I know he's not."  I tried not to look offended, but I kind of wanted to start letting her have it.  I am so protective of Matt.  I restrained myself and just explained to her that he does know he isn't who he used to be.  He knows that he gets confused sometimes, he is forgetful, he struggles with things that used to be very simple for him.  I told her he gets frustrated because he knows he is not "normal"; he always tries hard and does his best.  Then I tried to explain that although he is well aware that he is not how he used to be, that he doesn't live the same kind of life most people enjoy, there is mercy in him not realizing the extent of how much he really did lose.  She was sweet, and I am sure she didn't mean to come across the way she did, but I seriously wonder if people think before they say things.

Every now and then, usually at night when we are enjoying our own quiet time together, Matt is very lucid and that's when I see the "old Matt" most.  The other night I was reading and he was brushing his teeth, swishing, taking 500 years to get ready for bed, like always.  He climbed in the covers and looked over at me so sweetly and said, "hey babe, do you miss me?"

I thought I knew what he meant, but wanted to hear what he had to say. I asked him what he meant by that.  "Well, I know that I am not the same Matt that you met and fell in love with.  I try to be him, but I know I am different.  Do you miss the old me?"

It was hard not to get emotional but I looked at him and said, "yeah babe. I miss you so much.  I miss you every day, but I love you now.  Even though I will always miss you, I love you so much."

He just said, "OK.  I love you too."

Honestly, I do miss him.  I miss him so much. My heart is still broken. I still grieve over many pieces of Matt that were lost.  It still hurts and causes as much heartache as it ever did.    But, I am still grateful to have him and to have experienced all of the miracles we have to get to where we are now.  I am still overcome with gratitude for the wonderful pieces of Matt that are the same as they always were. I still love him so much.