little imp

This picture is worth a thousand words.  It shows how impish this guy was today.  This child absolutely exhausted me and wore on my nerves all day.  He was so unlike his normally well-behaved self.  It was like he was out to cause trouble and found satisfaction in my frustration.  Every time I turned around he was on the counter, after I asked him repeatedly to get down.  He interrupted every phone call and bossed me around with no please and thank-yous.  That just does not work for me, so he had to try again and again.  Every time I asked him to do or not do something I was ignored multiple times until I was upset with him.  He cried and whined when I wouldn't buy him something he wanted at the store.  He went into my room and messed with stuff; he broke a few things that didn't belong to him.  After getting in trouble and having a long talk about how we don't touch things that aren't ours without permission, I was wishfully thinking that the day would turn around.

Later, he ventured down to the basement with his brother. They played and giggled and made a complete mess. We had plans to meet friends at the park so I went down to get them and smelled my spray-polyurethane immediately.  I asked Kaden if he sprayed it and he swore he didn't.  I'm just not really sure what you're talking about mama.  We had to have a talk about honesty and how it is always better and he finally fessed up, saying he had used it as air freshener.  By the way, this was put away and hidden, but that kid will find anything.  I wanted to cancel our park day because I didn't think this boy really deserved fun after the naughtiness exuding out of his every pore, but I needed it.  I needed to see friends and get out.  I told him I wasn't going to forget about this and we would talk when we got home. We put jackets and hats on and left.

Fast forward to the park.  He was pretty good.  He played and ran all over. I had him run around the track as fast as he could to burn some steam.  That kid can run.  He kept throwing things after I asked him not to, so he was sent to time-out.  As I turned to walk away he threw a handful of sand at my friend's 1-year-old.  I couldn't believe his blatant defiance.  It really isn't like him, but it made me so mad!  Later he told me, I love you! I love you! over and over.  I think he did feel a little bad for making Mommy sad, at least I like to think he did.

After dinner I noticed Beckham's hair felt gooey and sticky.  He had been wearing his hat so I hadn't noticed it earlier.  I smelled it and realized he had been sprayed with the polyurethane.  I asked Kaden about it, he denied it, finally fessed up and got in big trouble.  I sent him to bed and he fell asleep crying.  It really broke my heart, but he had it coming all day.  It is so hard to explain to a kid how his actions affect other people--how he can't have everything he wants all of the time.  Kids, and especially Kaden, live for themselves and what they want.  I think most of the time, Kaden has absolutely no idea how his actions affect other people. I am sure he doesn't mean to hurt anyone in any way, but he just goes about doing what makes him happy.  It's been hard trying to teach him and get him to understand.

Maybe he just needed extra love and attention today.  Maybe he was too tired.  He is always spunky and full of energy, but his naughty actions were over the top.  Today was a rough day for him and not typical, thank goodness.  Doesn't every mom have a plethora of stories like this? About that bad day that will go down in history?  A day that will be funny someday?  It wasn't all bad either, we had some really good moments today.  He had some sweet times and said things that made me laugh.  Tomorrow we will start fresh.  I will have renewed patience (I hope) and he will have hopefully learned at least a little something.  I am so excited that spring is nearly here and we will be able to spend much more time outside burning off steam and energy.  We've all got some pretty bad cabin-fever around here.

i just want his life to be good

It's been a bit since I have used my blog as a virtual outreach program for this sweet man.  I think it's about time though.  I have so much love for him I can hardly stand it and I just want his life to be good.  He has been having a really hard time the past few months and I don't blame him for his frustration one bit.  His hours at work have been all over the place.  He's lost almost half of his hours and his predictable, consistent schedule has been completely changed.  This is frustrating for anyone, but for someone with a brain injury it is especially difficult.  Matt can take a little while to get used to things, to learn things, to learn the order tasks must be completed, etc.  Once he gets something down, he has it down.  He will do it exactly the same, over and over.  He gets faster, more efficient, and feels confident in his abilities.  Change his routine and he is completely thrown for a loop.

Walmart is making many changes in their store, much of them affecting greeters.  Many of these changes are hearsay and it seems like no one really knows what is going on.  Matt had responsibilities that made him feel useful and needed; much of those have changed as well. He has loved his job, and is basically a celebrity around here.  Literally, everyone in our town knows him.  He is so kind, friendly, has a sense of humor, and loves everybody.  He felt appreciated at work, felt confident in his abilities, and was happy associating with people and coworkers. 

The only way I can describe how this situation has been making me feel is lost.  I feel helpless and confused.  I make calls that don't get returned.  I talk to managers.  I have contacted his Vocational Rehabilitation specialist countless times, and have come to the sad conclusion that he is absolutely of no help.  I feel like I am running around in circles.  Finally, I was able to get a letter to the store manager and set up a meeting.  I was so embarrassed because I cried through the whole thing.  If it was for me, I probably could have held it together, but advocating for Matt brings emotion out of me. I just so badly want his life to be good, to be normal, to be fulfilling for him.  Things improved dramatically for a while, regarding his schedule, but with the new changes he is frustrated.  Between many of his job responsibilities disappearing and his hours being cut back again significantly, he feels very discouraged. 

I love having Matt home on our days off.  Usually, we each had a three day weekend together, which was perfect.  Now, the days are sporadic and it completely messes up his schedule.  He has a few hobbies, but nothing to really occupy his time and he is frustrated being home so much.  We try to do things as a family, but often when he is home I have to work.  I want him to feel like he is needed and that he is fulfilling his responsibilities as a man, husband, and father. I know right now he doesn't feel that way and it is getting him down. 

Most people that I have talked to about this situation say that maybe this is just a door to something better. I can definitely see this, but it overwhelms me.  Thinking of the daunting task of finding the right fit for him is almost more than I can handle.  I do know that countless times in my own life, when one door closes another one opens and the opportunity is always much better than the one that was lost.  I feel peaceful in knowing that if Matt is to continue in his current job, it will get better for him.  I also feel confident that if there is another door, a better one, we will be able to find it.  I have complete faith in God, that He knows what is best, but I do not have complete faith in myself and my abilities to do what is best for Matt.  In many ways I know I am the best fit for Matt, but sometimes I think he would have been so much better off with a more Type A, energized, go-getter personality.  I pray for the intuition, guidance, and emotional and mental energy required. 

I am so protective of Matt. I want everyone to know how smart he is, how capable he is, and how much he wants to please and do the right thing. I want him to be appreciated, loved, respected, and I want people to have patience when he is having a bad day.  It is so hard to know that I can't control any of this and I just have to hope for the best for him.  I can't imagine being the mother of a disabled child.  I know there must come a point when you have to let go.

I guess what I am asking for, for those who feel inclined to help, is that you think of Matt.  Pray for him in whatever way you do, that he might be able to regain his positive and happy demeanor.  That he might be able to believe in himself.  Pray that he will be able to excel in his job, whatever it may be.  Pray that we might know the next step, where to go, who to talk to, and that we will be led somehow to what is right for him and for our family.  Pray that I might have energy, patience, and perseverance in this situation.  It's hard to put all of this out there, but it is so important.  I know that everyone has difficulties and struggles, most of which remain hidden.  I feel a little weird being so open and asking for so much.  It is just the over-protective wife in me that wants the best for Matt.  He has always had such a positive outlook and has never been angry with his situation, of which he has no control over.  I can get frustrated and inpatient with him, but then my heart completely breaks thinking of him and what he has lost.  Deep down I know that this will resolve in the right way.  I am sure it will be difficult, overwhelming and frustrating.  I do believe that we will end up on top in the end, even if it takes a while.

And, as always, I am so appreciative for all of you who have thought of us, helped us, offered words of advice or encouragement, and have prayed for our, and especially Matt's, well-being.  We feel buoyed up by those who care for us and are grateful.

mud season

There is actually a fifth season around here and it lasts a long, long time.  It's the awkward season when it's warmer, but still cold; we want to play but can't figure out what to do; we end up running out of clothing items and shoes, and our floors are in constant need of serious cleaning.  It's the mud season.  I am always happy to see spring trying to arrive, but the mud is out of control.  At our house, we've got the clay that cakes on thicker and thicker until we are wearing platform shoes from the nineties.  It's so gross.

The other day was such a beautiful day we just had to get outside.  It's just weird when there isnt' enough snow to play in, but everything is soggy and yucky.  We decided to hike to the new playground in our subdivision.  I found out it was a bad idea a few steps too late, so we continued on.  Beckham was not happy about slopping through three inches of mud, especially after he fell.  I just held his hand and guided him along, despite his constant pleading I carry him.  He was SO muddy.  The kids had fun on the playground. Mud chunks flew everywhere. 

When we arrived back home---and by then I had given in to Beckham's "mommy hold you??" and carried him home, and I was sweating and breathing hard.  Traipsing through the mud with 30 lbs of dead weight is not an easy task!---the boys wanted to jump on the trampoline.  I wasn't about to mess with their boots, so we climbed on, completely caked in mud.  What a mess.

(Beckham has no neck in that sweatshirt:)

I am learning, and am sure I will learn more in the future, as the mother of boys I've just got to be able to jump in and have fun.  Who cares if it's messy, loud, crazy, gross, or crazy.  I want to be a part of their fun.  And to a boy, what could be more fun? Jumping on the trampoline with mud bits flying everywhere? Making footprints and sliding all over? It's pure awesomeness to a little man.

Plus, it makes for some pretty cute pictures and a very happy mom.

disarray

And it's a good thing.  We are all or nothing around here.  Perfectly clean or disastrous. I just cannot figure out the balance yet.  I like to console myself with quotes like this; I mean, we are having fun right? That has to count for something. I think it counts for a whole lot.

stuck inside

The other day it was pretty much blizzarding outside.  (Blizzarding should be a real word.)  It was so windy and cold.  We were racking our brains, or rather I was racking mine, trying to figure out how to keep ourselves entertained all day.  Beckham does well with down time. He is easily entertained and is mellow.  Kaden on the other hand is anything but mellow.  This winter has been a bit of a challenge.  He just needs things to channel his energy and keeping him engaged in something all day is exhausting.  He actually is very easily entertained, but it usually includes jumping and climbing on and off everything, including me, making a lot of noise, and it really just seems like he needs a gymnasium to play in where he can run free.  It will be nice when the weather is nice enough to be outside all day. Despite the fact that he can run me ragged, I absolutely love the energy he has and I never want to squelch it.

While it was blowing outside the boys got the idea to set up their tent and tunnel.  They brought out sleeping bags, pillows, and blankets.  They trashed the living room, but played for the longest time together. The tent was swaying and bouncing all over the place.  The tunnel looked alive. They were having as much fun as they have ever had together.  I loved hearing their giggles and squeals.  These two are so different and I am sure will have much different interests growing up.  It completely warms my heart to see them playing and laughing together and to listen to the beginnings of their conversations.  They love each other so much. 

half past two

Today this little dude is two-and-a-half. I still think of him as a baby, but I guess I need to stop that.  He is getting so big.  He is talking like crazy, singing songs, and getting stronger and faster every day.  His tantrums have gotten much better, happen less frequently, and are so much easier to control.  Thank goodness.  I thought they might be the death of me.  He is still the most snugly little guy.  He loves to give hugs and kisses.  He says "I love you!" all of the time; it's my favorite thing to hear.  He loves to talk and all day long I hear, Hey Mom! Hey Mom!... when I ask him "what?" he says ummmmmm, sooooooo. I have someping to say..... and babbles in indiscernible nonsense.  He just loves to hear himself talk. 

The other night he said his first real prayer at dinner.  He usually tries to talk along, or inserts his own things, but he actually said it start to finish.  He and I both were so proud.

Dear henly father
thafful we happyyy
thafful food
Jesus loves meeee
Jesus name, AAMEN

trying to be sneaky

Beckham loves to sit on the counter.  He thinks he owns it. He will play happily and calmly on the counter for an hour straight.  If I go too close when he doesn't want me there, he pushes me away NO Mama, my counter!  He was up there the other day and I called out to him.

Beckham, what are you doing?

paying paydoughs mama!

When I turned around to look at him this is exactly how he looked back at me.  HAH! caught in the act.  I didn't realize there was a plate of brownies on the counter.  Little stinker.

 I'm sure he was eventually going to get to the playdoh...