Sunday, April 24, 2011

new life

I have had so many thoughts jumbling around in my head lately. So many, that I can't seem to form any of them into words or concrete ideas. Thoughts that seem to exist more in my heart than my head, I guess. Today, as we commemorate Easter all over the world, and celebrate the beautiful and miraculous resurrection, I have spent a bit of time trying to collect my thoughts and contemplate and think on the importance of not only the resurrection of Christ, but of all living things.
Resurrection literally means to bring back to life. To me though, life is more than just living and breathing. It's having vitality, zest, a unique personality and spirit. Christ came back in all of His glory. It's something I've known my whole life, but when I really stop to ponder on these things, I can't help but be completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at the magnitude of His sacrifice. Overwhelmed at the pure miracle of His resurrection. Overwhelmed at how little my mind can actually grasp.

I absolutely believe that someday we all will experience that same miraculous resurrection. A new breath of life. Our vitality will return. Our beautiful spirits will be reunited with our physical bodies. This has always held such magnitude with me, but now, it takes on an even greater meaning and importance. I know that my sweet, pure husband will be given his vitality back. I know that some day, he will be completely healed of all physical disabilities he has; we will all be healed of emotional heartache. We will experience a new and even greater life.
This photograph means more to me than I can express. I tear up looking at it, and imagining how Mary Magdalene must be feeling in this moment. I can actually imagine myself kneeling and gazing up to a beautiful and perfect man whom I have grieved the loss of, whom I have loved with all of my heart, whom I have missed beyond description, being perfected and whole. I in no way mean to diminish the fact that this picture is Jesus Christ himself, but it is extremely personal to me on so many levels.

It is no secret, and I hope that I have always shown, that I absolutely love Matt with all of my heart. That being said, we are two people with our own struggles and heartache. We are trying to learn and grow, figure things out, and love each other through the tough parts. We have ups and downs like any relationship. We ebb and flow. Sometimes I worry that while we are trying to figure things out, we are going to completely ruin our children. I hope that the good things we do, the nice things we say to each other, the affection we show, will outweigh the serious mistakes we may make. There are times when life goes along smoothly and happily, and other times when I wish that our resurrection could be tomorrow. I sometimes cannot wait for my perfect man to return, for Matt to be able to regain what is temporarily lost. Sometimes it seems like that will never happen. There is so much comfort in knowing that it will happen.

In the meantime, we continue to learn to love each other better. That is what this life is about. Making mistakes, taking three steps forward and two steps back. Sometimes we don't move forward and take 10 steps back, but there is mercy and grace that picks us up, dusts us off, and carries us forward again.

I came home from work the other day and my mom had bought me purple tulips. Purple tulips were our wedding flower and that is the first thought I had when I saw them. They symbolize happiness, love, and new life to me. They put a smile on my face. They remind me of how in love I was in sunny August nearly 7 years ago. I am still in love and I know that. Love matures and grows just as we do. The love I have for Matt now is different than it was then, and it would be regardless of our life's circumstances.

I feel so truly blessed to be married to someone who loves me so unconditionally. Even though it shouldn't, it actually makes me feel bad sometimes. I feel bad because maybe I don't deserve someone who is so forgiving and loving and adoring. Sometimes I am not very forgiving, loving, or adoring. The other night we were out to dinner and I noticed two young twenty-something girls watching us and talking. After a few minutes Matt got up to take Kaden to the potty and one of them came over to me. She was so sweet, "I have been wanting to talk to you but I was waiting until your husband left because I didn't want to embarrass him. I ride the bus with him and can I just say that he loves you so much. He is always talking about his beautiful wife, how wonderful and patient you are, and how much he loves you. He is so grateful that you have stayed by his side. I have never heard anyone talk so sweetly about someone. It makes me so happy. That is real love, you don't see that much anymore." I was so appreciative that she took the time to talk to me. I cannot even count how many times someone has said something similar to me.

I joke that Matt's bad memory works to my benefit. Does he forget how beasty I can be? Does he forget how impatient and irritated I can get? Maybe he just doesn't notice those things. Then I thought of something I hadn't really considered before. Yes, he does notice when I am being less than pleasant. He does sense when I am frustrated or angry. He knows me and how I tick, and he knows when I am being awful. I find myself getting so frustrated with him for things that he can't help, yet he forgives and overlooks the things that I do that I can help. I know that realizing this should teach me something, and I hope that it does, but it also just makes me feel so bad. It makes me realize that I have so much learning and growing to do, and how lucky I am that I have someone by my side who will be patient and love me no matter how much I don't think I deserve it.
This sweet little carving is the "Angel of Miracles". I like things that symbolize something or remind me of something. I love this little statue. It reminds me of new life and miracles. As I contemplate this day, my life, and my marriage, I am filled with hope, gratitude, and a realization that we are given new life each day. We are also given the gift of someday being perfected, renewed, and given a new and everlasting life, and what a beautiful day that will be.


Lacy said...

I love you Jess. I learn so much from you and look up to you and Matt and your wonderfully loving marriage. Ace and I both love the time we get to spend with you and Matt. Thank you for being a part of our lives.

Tyrell said...

You wrote everything so perfectly, straight from the heart.

Your marriage radiates love like I've never seen before and I love watching you and Matt. And the girl that rides the buss with Matt isn't the only one who can see how very in love Matt is with you. He is so Christlike it's amazing.

Trevor Heidi McCoy said...

Thank you so much for the inspiration! I needed that and even though it sounds bad, I bawled the entire post. They were happy tears though. Trev and I were watching TV while I was checking up on my blogs and he looked over at me and almost started laughing because he thought I was crying because of what we were watching:) that put a smile on my face. I love you Jess and can't wait to see you all this weekend. I'm so happy to know you and call you my sister! xoxo!

Hammer Time said...

You're my hero! I luf you!

Robin Randolph said...

There are times in life when our spiritual eyes are awake and acute and see with 20/20 vision. There are days our earthly eyes take over and the vision is foggy. I know you have those foggy days from time to time, but far more often than that, your spiritual eyes see things and give understanding into the complexities of life. The veil is thin for you. I've always known that. I love you and am inspired by you.

Lacy said...

Ok I really love your mom too! What a wise lady:-)

nicole said...

that was so beautiful. you are an amazing woman.

mia said...

Hi Jess! Rich told me about your blog awhile back and even though I've only met you once (our reception last summer) I've come to learn what an amazing mother and wife you are! This post left Rich and I in tears and grateful for your strong testimony and example!! So I thought it's probably time to make my blog stalking known! :) Hopefully we'll get to hang out sometime in the future- Hatch reunions or if you ever need a Vegas weekend you're always welcome to stay with us! Anyway, thanks for this beautiful post!