i love this town

The other day my mom and I loaded up our bikes and headed into Durango for a ride on the river trail. It was a beautiful day and I loved every second of our little ride. It was so fun to see people out walking their dogs, kids on little bikes with training wheels, people tubing down the river, people sleeping and reading in the park. It was perfect and put such a smile on my face. We did about 10 miles round trip. That's not so far on a bike, but pulling those two boys wore me out! My bike needs some major tweaking and adjusting too. Mom was leisurely cruising, about to leave me in the dust, and I was huffing and puffing. I loved it. I love the feel of this little town we live in. I could be content living here forever.

Sometimes Beckham just gets so overcome with love and excitement that he just has to plant a big, juicy one on me. Despite the slobber, teeth, and scratchy fingernails I love it and will take whatever I can get. The poor little dude got so hot and was totally soaked when we finished riding. We finished the excursion with a little splashing in the river. It was a perfect afternoon.

a cherished role

I cherish my role as a mom. I know I am not perfect and often I don't measure up to what I want to be for my boys. I love the beautiful words of Elder Holland. He is one of my very favorite people to listen to and I felt so touched by his sentiment in this video. I believe that we, as mothers, will be lifted and made strong, enabled to go above and beyond what we believe we can do.

my loveable rascal

This boy makes me so happy, and so frustrated! I absolutely love this wonderful, fun age of three. He says the funniest things, does the silliest stuff, and is so full of love, wonder, and excitement. Kaden lights up my world, like he always has. He is a beam of sunshine, a ray of light that makes everyday beautiful. He is so excitable and happy. He loves attention and isn't one bit shy. His spirit is larger than life. The world is his oyster and he believes that everything was put here just for him and his happiness. He loves attention and will do just about anything to get it. He has a need for affirmation and praise.

He loves to read books. He lives for his nap and bedtime stories. He loves to be creative, making things out of play-doh or painting pictures. I love the things he comes up with and the way he mixes color together. He is obsessed with his trains and plays with them day in and day out. He amazes me with his ability to put things together, build intricate layouts with bridges, tunnels, etc. He's always had amazing manual dexterity and fine motor skills. He's a little engineer.

He is sensitive and emotional. He gets very concerned when someone is sad or angry. He worries about Beckham when he cries. He asks me multiple times a day, "mom, are you happy?". His primary teachers tell me he is always concerned for other kids that are sad, hugging and kissing them, telling them it's going to be okay. His feelings get hurt easily and he is quick to cry. Sometimes this drives me crazy, but I like to know that even though he is a rough and tough boy, he has a sensitive little spirit. He still sticks his bottom lip out, just like he has since the day he was born. I still think it's cute.

He loves to be outside. He loves to help water our garden, pull weeds and dig in the dirt. We have the best time jumping on the trampoline, playing in the sprinkler, coloring on the driveway, and exploring outside. I have the hardest time getting him to wear shoes. His wonderfully soft baby feet are now becoming calloused, never-quite-clean boy feet. He has a spattering of lovely freckles across his face. If asked where his freckles came from he says proudly, "the angels kiss Kaden!". One morning he came into my bed with me and gently rubbed his hand over my face. He said, "The angels love Mama. They love Mama so much!" He is looking so grown up to me. There is no trace of baby left in him. I love the little person he is growing into.

10 months

Beckham hit 10 months yesterday. What?!?! I kind of wish he would stay a baby forever. I can't even begin to express my love for this little chub-a-lub. He is so sweet and has the cutest personality. He is so happy and content and just goes with the flow. He very rarely puts up a fuss about anything. His top four teeth are all trying to come in and he's such a trooper about it. He squeals, smiles, laughs, giggles and makes the cutest noises. He is very interactive and babbles all day long. I haven't found a food he doesn't like. He's cute when he eats though; he savors every bit and takes his time to enjoy it. He hates to be ignored and yells and cries if I walk away or turn my back on him. He's a mama's boy. He is very observant of everything going on around him. He pays attention and notices things. He loves his toys. If I sit him in his bumbo seat with his basket of toys next to him, one by one he will pull them out and play, then move on to the next. He can be happy doing this for a long time. He is deliberate and savors things. He is a love bug and I want to soak up every second of his precious little life.

The way these boys interact is the cutest, sweetest thing. They enjoy each other so much and get each other laughing uncontrollably. Boys are so much fun.

they cheer me up

It's such a bummer, or a "bumper" as Kaden would say, when a cloud of gloominess shows up quite suddenly, uninvited, and drizzles on the parade. Boo. That little gloom cloud has been slowly settling on me the last few days. The situation with Beckham is getting more frustrating by the day and that's been on my mind. Kaden wants attention, but demands it in the worst forms and my patience has been lacking. We clashed all morning. Maybe part of it is being sick and just not feeling good. The other night I was looking at a blog that a friend of mine writes. She does the most amazing things with her kids (plus is amazing in every other area of life) and I feel like I have been a little checked out lately. Am I the only one that shuts down when I get too overwhelmed? It's like there is so much to be done, so many things I should be doing and remembering, that I drop the ball on everything. I sometimes forget the things that I enjoy. I sometimes sink into a spiritual rut. I sometimes doubt myself. I think what am I doing? How did I ever think I could handle all of this? I am totally failing!

That is when a sweet, tender mercy shows itself and I am reminded that it's all okay. I'm thankful that I can notice those things, that my gloomy clouds usually come and go fairly quickly and easily and might even leave me feeling refreshed. Today was like the little rainbow peeking from behind the cloud. The sunshine emerged and I felt the warmth.

After a few too many meltdowns, I took Kaden and Beckham to Roadside park to play in the water. A bunch of my friends and their kids get together there every week but we keep having to miss it for one reason or another. I didn't feel like I had the energy to get everything together and go this morning, but I am so happy we did. We picnicked, Kaden got to run and play with his friends, and I got to socialize. Then Kaden and his friend wanted to tube down the creek and I decided what the heck, I might as well get in. I loved it. Danica and Kaden held hands and sat on my lap and asked to go over and over. The cool water felt so good.

After naps Kaden helped me water our flowers and bushes. He is such a joy. He gets so excited so easily, and the simplest things make him happy. Seeing him run around in his adorable galoshes and spray water everywhere delighted me. We came in and ate together and then the boys had a bath while I cleaned the bathroom. Kaden was hoarding all of the toys so I said, "Does Beckham get any toys, or just Kaden?" He responded without skipping a beat, "Just Kaden, Mom!" I said, "Well, that's not a very nice big brother not to share." A minute later I turned around and every single toy was piled up on Beckham. "Look Mom! I am a good big brother. I sharing with Beckham and he likes it."

I read to Kaden tonight and laid in bed with him for a long time singing songs. Then I said, "Kaden, I love you forever." He replied "I love you forever mom. I like you for always." Together we said, "As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." It was a beautiful day and I feel like my gloomy cloud dissipated today. Those little people are constant sunshine and I just need to check back in and notice it.

And now, the house is peaceful, quiet, and clean. A breath of fresh air and ready to start the day off right tomorrow.

this one was tough

So, one week after the Utah Valley 1/2, Jamie and I embarked on a local half marathon. Wow, it was beautiful, and dang hard. Maybe it was because I didn't run for almost 3 weeks prior (except the previous race). Maybe it was because the course was very hilly. Maybe it was because it was hot. Or, maybe it was because hours later I came down with chills, fever, and full-fledged flu. Whatever the reason, after this race I was swearing never to run again and completely understanding why people think runners are crazy.

We must be crazy, because now, just a few days later, I am ready to run again and thinking, "it wasn't so bad". I wasn't miserable until mile 9. I actually did enjoy the gorgeous scenery. I enjoyed the other runners on the course. I loved seeing my family at the end to cheer me on.
Their excitement made me so happy.

I'm running so fast I'm a blur! Actually, I think I was going at a snail's pace and wanting to walk. I actually did walk quite a few times, trying to work all the aches out. I never do that, and it didn't work too well. I was so happy at the end. There really is something to be said about pushing through something hard. It feels so good.

Hurray for us! Yay for free pint glasses and medals. Yayfor free beer and a BBQ at the finish line. Seriously? Yuck.

Going in for our ice bath. It hurt so good!

I was happy to run a 1:47 despite it all. I will definitely do this one again next year-sans flu (I hope!).

More photos, and a look at the beautiful scenery, here.

my little sweetheart

I still feel like I have hardly any answers, but I guess we are slowly getting somewhere with the little dude. Beckham's MRI report came back completely normal. I am so thankful for that. I have no idea how I would have handled him having a brain malformation; oh that would have been so horrible. He has a healthy, functioning, perfect little head and brain.

Unfortunately, his blood results were not as good. While we were in Utah I got a call from his Dr.'s office saying that the blood tests came back abnormal. My heart instantly dropped. He had 3 different chemicals (lactate, ammonia, alkaline phosphatase) show up as abnormally high, one completely off the charts. All three are liver enzymes and we weren't given many answers upfront. We did a little research on our own, but there is a whole sea of information out there and it's just opening a can of worms that I would rather not dive into. His nurse said that the tests that were run are not your every day tests, and they are extremely sensitive. Any mishandling or mistake in protocol can mess up the results. The office wanted to rerun the tests to be sure the results were accurate.

The day we returned from our trip we took Becks in for another draw. Uggh. I hate watching him get poked. Thankfully, it wasn't quite as traumatic this time. The results came in a little better. The lactate was normal and the ammonia was high/normal. The alkaline phosphatase was still extremely high. The high level is about 300. The first time his level was 4,400, the second time it was 2,000. So, it did go down, but still is almost 10 times as high as it should be. What does this mean? Good question; I have no idea. I do know that it does coincide with his extremely weak muscle tone (especially in his upper body).

I have been playing phone tag, leaving messages, and getting more and more frustrated. Finally, yesterday, I got a message from the doctor, via a receptionist. I was so disappointed that the doctor didn't call me himself. I know he is busy, but this is my baby! I had specifically asked that he call me since I felt so in the dark and no one else could answer any questions. His message said that Beckham needs to start developmental therapy (whatever that means!), and see the neurology clinic up at Primary Children's in Salt Lake. I still have no idea what the heck could be wrong. Is it serious? I have my suspicions as to what is going on, but obviously it could be a number of things, so I guess time will tell.

Today I talked to the nurse again and she has messages in to get an evaluation to see what kind of therapy might be needed, and to the pediatric neurology clinic at the hospital. We might be heading back up there in the next week or so. I just wish I had more information so that I could sort of prepare myself for what might be coming, so I could know if I should be worried or not, so I could somewhat plan my life. Not that I am any good at that anyway, though.

I sort of had an attack yesterday after I talked to the receptionist and still had no idea what was going on. What if we end up having to be up in Salt Lake for an extended period of time? What if Kaden feels totally neglected and misplaced? Does Matt miss work that whole time? He has to be involved with his baby. What if this requires a lot of testing and procedures that will cause my baby pain? He won't understand what is going on. Blah, blah, blah. I just don't want another thing to worry about. Hopefully, this will just be a big inconvenience and there will be nothing to worry about. I'll post more when, and if, I know more. Again, thanks for all the support and prayers; it means so much to all of us.