I have dilemma. I am in a pickle. I am not sure why this decision seems so big to me. Maybe it's because any decision is big to me; I am a horrible, awful, terrible decision maker. I go back and forth, back and forth, it's quite ridiculous. I am trying to figure out to do with Kaden and school. I should have figured this out months ago, but I wavered and hesitated, and now preschool starts tomorrow and I am behind.
Kaden wants to go to school so bad. He's been excited to go and talking about it for months and months. He was talking to Andrea on the phone last night and she asked him if he wanted to go and he said, "I really want to go to school Andree. I want to go very badly." It was so cute. We went to the preschool open house last night, in hopes of it helping me figure out what to do. He is ready. Socially, academically, physically, behaviorally, etc. I am NOT ready. I remember reading things like this before I had my own little kids and thought, "what's the big deal? It's exciting. It's a new milestone. It's time to yourself. It's a little extra peace and quiet..." etc. But now? I am such a wimp.
I will miss that little dude if he goes to school. I had finally peacefully come to the decision to send him to two half days a week. No big deal. (I work 2 half to full days, usually Tues. and Fri., but he gets to spend it with my mom. I miss the boys on those days, but I love what I do and am blessed to be able to get by working only 2 days.) Last night at the open house I went to turn in my application (late) and found we had to be put on a waiting list for the half days (True to form. I can't possibly turn anything in early or on time, that would just freak everyone out). "You are in luck!" the lady told me. "We just had someone cancel for Monday & Wednesday full days and you can put him right in!" One of his best friends will be going on those days and I know he'd love it. I still haven't made up my mind, but I have to quick before the spot is taken.
He was so excited walking through the school. He was beaming. I know he'd love it. Am I being totally silly about this? I just feel like kids are only little once. Once they go to school they are there forever. All day every day. I absolutely never judge anyone who chooses to work and put their kids in daycare, or sends their kids to preschool all day every day. For me, I feel like if possible, a little one should be able to be with his mom and her influence for as long as possible. My boy and I have a special bond. I adore him and love our time together. I am sure that I would love the time with just Beckham. I am sure I would be able to get a lot more done. I am sure he wouldn't miss me a bit.
Maybe this decision is harder for me because I work Tuesays and Fridays. If I worked at least one of the days he was in school it would make a big difference. Uggh, I just don't know what to do but I better figure it out quick. If anyone has suggestions or experience I am all ears. Being a mom is hard and it just gets tougher and tougher. I am not sure I am cut out for it. If a silly thing like preschool stresses me out I can only imagine how I'll be when the really tough stuff comes my way.