ball dropper

photo via

I think that should be my new nickname. Or maybe it should have been my nickname all along. Heaven knows I am good at it. I am getting worse and worse though and fear I have early onset dementia or something. I am also the queen of procrastination, one of my best and worst qualities, but we'll save that for another day. These two things don't do so well together.

During our relay it seemed like everything I touched went missing. I packed the cabin keys with my stuff but didn't realize it so we checked out with no keys and had to bring them back later. I left the keys in the car after grabbing something out, and thankfully didn't remember to lock the car, like I should have. BALL DROPPER.

I cannot even say how many times I had to call my poor mom when I was in school. Half the time I was in tears, "Mom, I left my very very very very important paper that I had weeks to work on and started last night, on the computer and it's due in an hour...will you please drive through a blizzard risking life and limb to bring it to me?" "Mom, the bus is leaving for my basketball game in 5 minutes and my uniform is in the dryer. Will you make a 100 mile trip, early, to bring it to me?" Lunches were forgotten on the counter. Field-trip money was turned in late. Permission slips went unsigned. Cups with breakfast drinks rolled under seats in the car and stayed there for days...

In college I tried to organize myself. I have started countless planners, excited, with great intentions. I used them for a few days, weeks, or even months, but I never stick to it. Even when I do use them, I write things down, but never go back to see what I wrote. Despite my seeming forgetfulness in some areas, my memory is (was) quite impeccable. I could somehow manage a 21 credit schedule and pull off a 4.0, never writing a thing down. I somehow was able to be active in church, recreation, social life, school, etc. I still dropped the ball a little, or a lot, but for everything I had going on, I felt I was doing okay. I still drove myself, and probably everyone else, nuts sometimes.

Now?!? I am worse than ever. I crave organization and order. I wish that I kept up with paperwork. I wish I wasn't a lazy bum who throws things on the counter to put away later. I wish everything had a place and always went there. I wish I could keep a planner. I wish I would write on the ginormous calendar that hangs on my wall, that if I were writing on would be visible from everywhere. I wish I could remember to call people back. I wish there weren't thank-you notes that I wrote months ago sitting on the counter with bills that I should have paid days ago. I wish that I wasn't always running exactly 10 minutes late (despite how much extra time I allow myself) everywhere I go. I wish I didn't have to sheepishly answer the phone when my sweet mom or mother-in-law calls to ask if I have completed a task (that they so lovingly assign and follow up on....they know me too well). I wish I would remember to get Matt's new glasses and find a new brace guy. I wish that when I did remember things it wasn't 3 in the morning or in the middle of my work day.

Sometimes things don't get done because I absolutely don't even think about it. And it's not just the simple menial stuff. Important things that should be pressing on my mind at all times don't even cross my mind. When I finally do remember I am in a panic because how the heck could I forget something so important?! and now there are going to be crazy consequences!

I wish this didn't have to affect me, my kids, my husband, and everyone around me. I mostly feel bad for my kids and Matt though. I filled out the soccer registration form the day I got it. A month before it was due. I forgot to take it to turn in that day, and eventually it went in some paper file and guess who didn't get to play soccer? I am still kicking myself. I have had a child in diapers for 4 1/2 years and I still regularly leave the house without diapers and/0r wipes. I really get so irritated and frustrated with myself. It's embarrassing and it seems like I should be able to get it together. When I do manage to organize, remember, pay attention, do things on time or even early, I feel so much better. I have more time and energy for other things.

It might be true that I can juggle a lot at one time. But, I guarantee for how ever many balls I have flying up in the air, there are a few I won't catch and a whole bunch lying on the ground at my feet. And one of these days I might just get so frustrated I'll drop them all and take a nap.