I am not really sure if anyone even reads my blog anymore. It's totally okay; I have turned it into my own thing, what I want, and don't even think about what people might want to see or to read. I used to be careful about how much text I put in a post, afraid people might get bored. I tried to be choosy with pictures. Now, I just say what I want, when I want. I may tend to over share sometimes. Anyway, that actually has nothing to do with this post, really. I am just asking for input from anyone, if anyone even reads.
I am so tired. SO tired. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I will just say that I think it is abnormal to feel like I do. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic I would say it is definitely one of, if not my biggest, trial in life. I am serious. I know I am a young mom chasing little boys, but I am so tired. I have been since 8th grade. I remember just yearning to take a nap in the darkroom during my photography class when I was a sophomore in high school. Some days walking to a college class I would see an inviting piece of grass in the sunshine and wish that I could just collapse and take a nap. I left classes all.of.the.time. because my notes were sloppy and illegible and I felt rude that I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open that there was no way I was learning a darn thing. I can rarely sit and read a book without feeling drowsy within minutes. I could fall asleep at a stoplight, no joke. I get easily overwhelmed with the difficult stuff of course, but even the tiniest little things can completely overwhelm me. Just thinking about what needs to be done, something that stressed me out, etc. drains all of my energy and I feel like I just can't do it.
I am embarrassed to say that I have actually nodded off, while giving a massage. Road trips are nearly torture. I don't even know if I should admit how much caffeine it takes to get me through a seven hour drive. It is absolutely ridiculous. I have to take in so much artificial energy that I can't sleep at night and feel hungover for days.
It isn't just the boring, menial, monotonous, or stressful things that make me tired. I can be on the mountain snowboarding, cold wind on my face, having an amazing time, and still feel exhausted. I sit on the chairlift wishing to just rest. I'm really not trying to feel sorry for myself. I really try hard to do what I have to do. I make myself when I have to. I just wish I had an answer.
I have tried everything I can think of. It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get. My diet doesn't seem to play a significant role. I take thyroid medication, which should help. It isn't a depression issue. I exercise regularly, which I think helps a little, but it definitely doesn't do a whole lot for this problem. Interestingly, the most energy I've had was right after my kids were born. Isn't that supposed to be when I am most tired? Maybe it's a hormone thing...
I know this might sound so whiny and pathetic but I feel at my wit's end. I get so angry with myself because I feel lazy. I feel too tired to tackle a dirty floor, or the pile of laundry on my bed. I feel too tired to do more than 20% of my to do list. I feel too tired to play with my kids, the way I really want to play with them. I feel grumpy, easily irritated and overwhelmed. The tiredness I feel is hard to explain and I really wish I could explain it. It's more than just being sleepy. I feel exhausted mentally, physically, even emotionally.
On the rare occasion that I do have energy and feel actually AWAKE, I feel incredible. I feel like I can get so much accomplished and love what I am doing. I am active with my kids, I get meals cooked, my house is clean, I feel so much more balanced and happy. I wish there was some miracle fix, because believe me I would try it. I am still trying to figure it out. I am trying really hard not to completely beat myself up, while at the same time trying to push myself to do something, anything, even if "I can't" is running through my mind every second.
So, if anyone is reading this, has anyone experienced this? Do you know anyone who has? Do you have any solutions or ideas? I don't care how ridiculous....I will do pretty much anything! For now, I am trying to fake it 'til I make it.