Monday, January 23, 2012

this plea is for real

I am not really sure if anyone even reads my blog anymore.  It's totally okay; I have turned it into my own thing, what I want, and don't even think about what people might want to see or to read.  I used to be careful about how much text I put in a post, afraid people might get bored. I tried to be choosy with pictures.  Now, I just say what I want, when I want.  I may tend to over share sometimes.  Anyway, that actually has nothing to do with this post, really. I am just asking for input from anyone, if anyone even reads.

I am so tired. SO tired. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I will just say that I think it is abnormal to feel like I do.  At the risk of sounding overly dramatic I would say it is definitely one of, if not my biggest, trial in life. I am serious. I know I am a young mom chasing little boys, but I am so tired.  I have been since 8th grade.  I remember just yearning to take a nap in the darkroom during my photography class when I was a sophomore in high school.  Some days walking to a college class I would see an inviting piece of grass in the sunshine and wish that I could just collapse and take a nap.  I left classes all.of.the.time. because my notes were sloppy and illegible and I felt rude that I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open that there was no way I was learning a darn thing.  I can rarely sit and read a book without feeling drowsy within minutes.  I could fall asleep at a stoplight, no joke.  I get easily overwhelmed with the difficult stuff of course, but even the tiniest little things can completely overwhelm me. Just thinking about what needs to be done, something that stressed me out, etc. drains all of my energy and I feel like I just can't do it.

I am embarrassed to say that I have actually nodded off, while giving a massage.  Road trips are nearly torture.  I don't even know if I should admit how much caffeine it takes to get me through a seven hour drive.  It is absolutely ridiculous.  I have to take in so much artificial energy that I can't sleep at night and feel hungover for days. 

It isn't just the boring, menial, monotonous, or stressful things that make me tired.  I can be on the mountain snowboarding, cold wind on my face, having an amazing time, and still feel exhausted. I sit on the chairlift wishing to just rest.  I'm really not trying to feel sorry for myself. I really try hard to do what I have to do.  I make myself when I have to.  I just wish I had an answer.

I have tried everything I can think of.  It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get.  My diet doesn't seem to play a significant role. I take thyroid medication, which should help.  It isn't a depression issue.  I exercise regularly, which I think helps a little, but it definitely doesn't do a whole lot for this problem.  Interestingly, the most energy I've had was right after my kids were born.  Isn't that supposed to be when I am most tired? Maybe it's a hormone thing...

I know this might sound so whiny and pathetic but I feel at my wit's end. I get so angry with myself because I feel lazy.  I feel too tired to tackle a dirty floor, or the pile of laundry on my bed.  I feel too tired to do more than 20% of my to do list. I feel too tired to play with my kids, the way I really want to play with them.  I feel grumpy, easily irritated and overwhelmed.  The tiredness I feel is hard to explain and I really wish I could explain it.  It's more than just being sleepy.  I feel exhausted mentally, physically, even emotionally. 

On the rare occasion that I do have energy and feel actually AWAKE, I feel incredible. I feel like I can get so much accomplished and love what I am doing. I am active with my kids, I get meals cooked, my house is clean, I feel so much more balanced and happy.  I wish there was some miracle fix, because believe me I would try it.  I am still trying to figure it out.  I am trying really hard not to completely beat myself up, while at the same time trying to push myself to do something, anything, even if  "I can't" is running through my mind every second.

So, if anyone is reading this, has anyone experienced this? Do you know anyone who has?  Do you have any solutions or ideas? I don't care how ridiculous....I will do pretty much anything!   For now, I am trying to fake it 'til I make it.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I feel for you. I just know how I feel when I am pregnant and that is only for a few months. I wish I had a solution for you. Maybe a sleep study? I hope it gets better.

Stefanie Ruth said...

I ALWAYS read your blog, Jess! I love your style.

As far as the exhaustion goes, I'm not sure I can offer much advice. I have a hard time keeping forward momentum throughout the day, but I can usually trace my exhaustion to small bouts of depression or hangovers. ;-) I have this amazing workout stimulant (from GNC) that not only keeps my energy up during a workout, but all day long (without the highs and lows of caffeine). It's called Neuro-Core, if you're interested. A word of caution-it contains Niacin, which takes your body a little while to get used to.

The stuff I use is only a temporary fix though. In all honesty, you have a LOT on your plate and a lot of responsibilities, so I'm not surprised you feel so tired. Do you generally eat well? Superfoods like spinach and almonds might help maintain a steady energy level as well.

Sorry for the rambling comment! I basically just brainstormed ideas on your blog. You're welcome.

Love you!

Jennifer said...

Ideas: I saw someone comment on facebook about sleep apnea. That could be a possibility. So a lot of things that cause tiredness also show themselves in weight gain (and you are not over weight), but don't let a doctor not look into something just because you are thin. I knew a guy who was a stick who had sleep apnea.

One of my first guesses is thyroid. I have Hashimotos Thyroiditis. Which causes your thyroid to be under active (which normally makes you gain weight). When I was diagnosed, life had been extremely stressful and I was very thin. The doctor couldn't believe I was so thin and my thyroid was so under active, so you may not fall into the norm. I would wake up in the morning nauseous because I was so tired, I would feel better around 10 - 11:00 in the morning and could finally get going. You could also have hyperthyroid which can make you thin, have muscle fatigue and be tired.
I also thought thyroid because you said you noticed since the 8th grade (when you start puberty or any other hormone change, pregnancy, that can be what throws your thyroid off.) Good luck!!! I would go see an endocrinologist. A family practice Dr. works, but an endocrinologist will test for different things. It is so easy to have your thyroid levels drawn. TSH, T4, & T3 are for your thryoid. Your TPO antibody level can diagnose if you have Hashimotos. If you have any other questions you can call me anytime. 801.362.7518

Good luck!!

gin said...

Jess, I am a long time reader and your blog continues to be one of my faves!
As far as your exhaustion issues, I definitely think you should talk to a doctor. Tell him/her exactly what you wrote here.
Until then, take some good naps and don't ever feel like you're a bad mom...you are awesome!

Laura said...

Hi there! I don't know you but my cousin Aimee Whitmer does:) and I saw your post on her facebook.
One of the major contributors to sleepiness can be something as simple as Iron, at least that has been my problem. You can take "gentle iron" that you get at your local vitamin shop. If you find that it constipates you continue to take it with over the counter colace (totally safe even if pregnant)
As a nurse I would ask if you have had your thyroid levels checked recently? Most likely you have, but I wanted to ask as it can definitely play a huge role in energy levels. Even if your labs are normal push the issue with your endocrine doctor, they need to treat your lab values AND how you feel TOGETHER. If you get the brush off, a second opinion is always a good idea. As a patient you have way more control that you might realize;)
Hope this helps, and I really hope you get to feeling like yourself again really soon!:)
Laura Hampton:)

WalkOnWaterMom said...

Have you gotten tested for enimia? Some auto-immune things can cause this too, or endicrine issues...I would talk to your doctor! I will be praying for you!

Leslie Kirk said...

I know it's drastic, but cutting out sugar makes a huge difference for me. I use other natural sweeteners like Agave and Xylitol so I can still have sweets, just not sugar. Cutting back on carbs of all kinds helps as well (for me). And working out is good, especially in the morning. These are things that have helped me, but they're not a complete fix. I agree that talking to your dr. is a good idea too. PS- I read your blog and love it!!

Jessica Mars said...

I agree with others. It could be sleep apnea and if you have the type that is because of the way your throat is shaped (biological) then it could be why it has been going on for so long. Many people have a misconception that only heavy people have sleep apnea but that is not accurate. In fact, some of the worst cases are in children and "thin" people. I would get tested. Also research info on adrenal fatigue. Because you are a mom chasing young boys around and you are so busy with everything else you may be exhausting your adrenals...which leads to long-term burn out. A good book is Wired and Tired to read about that. Also, have you been tested to see if you have a build up of yeast in your body? If you have it could have been there for many years and you wouldnt even know it. A good book to read about that is "Tired So Tired and the Yeast Connection" A build up of yeast in the body causes fatigue, waking up tired, slow to repsond, etc....Hope some of this helps. :) Feel better lady and remember to take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jessica - I love your blog - and all the amazing pictures - you are an inspiration to me. I have a friend who has many of the same symptoms you have - she has Lyme's disease. She didn't even know she had been bitten by a tick - and it took many years for them to diagnose her. I guess there are tests they can do to see if you have it - but it is something that a lot of people have and often go undiagnosed. She often feels so tired she can't drive her kids to school and feels like her head is in a fog. It might be worth it just to get tested. Good luck! If you want anymore info about her symptoms - just give me a call. Love you,
Leanne Owens

Anonymous said...

Pumpkin, please call me.

Anonymous said...

Jessielib, as you know, I have suffered from the same thing since high school. I remembered I was diagnosed with hypo glycemia then, thyroid later. I wish you weren't feeling this--get your meds refilled, and get some kelp (seaweed) and some iodine drops might help boost your thyroid. I definitey think you need to see a Dr. Being tired to the point of non-functional isn't normal, even WITH the full plate you have. I love you and will help you in any way I can, you know that!! Everyone who has left a comment has had some really good ideas, all of which are worth researching. The hereditary part can't be helped--I still suffer! Mom

Susan said...

I love to read your blog! And I live around the corner. :). I just read what the sweet little man said about Mike. Melted my heart. Kirk struggled with fatigue and started taking vitamin D, he feels a lot better. But like Amy said it could be a lot of things. Good luck and let me know if you need ANYTHING!

Tyrell said...

I read your blog :)

Angie Liddiard said...

Could be chronic fatigue syndrome or something like it… :(

On a happier note, I love your blog and am happy you find energy to post!

Tiana said...

I feel your pain, chica. I am also on thyroid meds, but sometimes I just don't think it is enough. Weakness and exhaustion is a sign of still being low. (That's what my dr told me.) Maybe you need a higher dose than the norm?

Marisa said...

JESSICA!!!!!!!!! :) I know we've discussed this before!! But i do agree w/ everyone.. you basically need to go in to a Dr. :) pretty much a done deal!! and have them run tests... try everything and get a sleep test done.. FOR REALS!!!!! Cause feeling tired all the Time is Definately NOT normal!! Know i love you and read your blog often!!! :) And I can always watch your kiddos for you if you need to go to a Dr's appt :) LOVE YA!!! Call me!!! :) :) :)

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I'm an insomniac. People keep telling me that when I'm tired enough I will fall asleep. I feel bad, because I have a four month old that I'm to exhausted to hold for any length of time. I feel like I'm not doing enough for him.
My insomnia is caused by a chemical imbalance called bipolar. What I have is type 1, the one that causes me to act in ways that cause people to look at me like I'm crazy. It sounds like you could possibly have type 2, which doesn't cause bizarre behavior and is a great deal milder. I could very well be wrong and it could be caused by any number of the things already suggested. You did say you were looking for even the ridiculous. I figured this falls under that category. It wouldn't hurt to look into it just to rule it out.

Tara said...

I don't know about the exhaustion, Jessica, but I always mean to tell you:
I think you are such a great writer and I really appreciate your vulnerability. Your blog posts are great.

Becky said...

I read your blog!

Jen and Allen said...

When not if Jessica WHEN you go to the dr. make sure you tell him if you are tired in the head like your brain and spirit are just tired or if its your body like you have just worked out all day and your body is so tired you don't have any desire to move or a combination of both.
You might need iron you might need more oxygen when you sleep to get restful sleep. It might be a thyroid problem as well. The dr needs to see you if you want it to get better.
I know you dont like to see the Dr but perhaps you can find a few things that can help you feel that wonderful balanced rested feeling all the time.
And I love your blog... and wish my blog was as eloquent and fun to read as your s is

Jessica Jackson said...

I love reading your blog, I'm sorry you've been struggling with this! You seriously amaze me in all that you do, until I read this post you had me fooled! I agree with some of the other comments, I would see a doctor, go in for more professional help. Maybe there's a solution out there that's as easy as taking some kind of medication, or maybe it's not so simple. Either way, I think getting a professionals opinion would be a good place to start. Good luck! As for now, just keep plugging along, you're doing great.

Becca said...

Jess I would try Vitamin B12. I am always tired and I started taking B12 and I have a lot more energy and can get things done during the day.

Emilee said...

I love your blog! Whenever I do my blog browsing, yours is always on the list! Also, my mom (the nurse) always recommends melatonin supplements for tiredness!