my loveable rascal

This boy makes me so happy, and so frustrated! I absolutely love this wonderful, fun age of three. He says the funniest things, does the silliest stuff, and is so full of love, wonder, and excitement. Kaden lights up my world, like he always has. He is a beam of sunshine, a ray of light that makes everyday beautiful. He is so excitable and happy. He loves attention and isn't one bit shy. His spirit is larger than life. The world is his oyster and he believes that everything was put here just for him and his happiness. He loves attention and will do just about anything to get it. He has a need for affirmation and praise.

He loves to read books. He lives for his nap and bedtime stories. He loves to be creative, making things out of play-doh or painting pictures. I love the things he comes up with and the way he mixes color together. He is obsessed with his trains and plays with them day in and day out. He amazes me with his ability to put things together, build intricate layouts with bridges, tunnels, etc. He's always had amazing manual dexterity and fine motor skills. He's a little engineer.

He is sensitive and emotional. He gets very concerned when someone is sad or angry. He worries about Beckham when he cries. He asks me multiple times a day, "mom, are you happy?". His primary teachers tell me he is always concerned for other kids that are sad, hugging and kissing them, telling them it's going to be okay. His feelings get hurt easily and he is quick to cry. Sometimes this drives me crazy, but I like to know that even though he is a rough and tough boy, he has a sensitive little spirit. He still sticks his bottom lip out, just like he has since the day he was born. I still think it's cute.

He loves to be outside. He loves to help water our garden, pull weeds and dig in the dirt. We have the best time jumping on the trampoline, playing in the sprinkler, coloring on the driveway, and exploring outside. I have the hardest time getting him to wear shoes. His wonderfully soft baby feet are now becoming calloused, never-quite-clean boy feet. He has a spattering of lovely freckles across his face. If asked where his freckles came from he says proudly, "the angels kiss Kaden!". One morning he came into my bed with me and gently rubbed his hand over my face. He said, "The angels love Mama. They love Mama so much!" He is looking so grown up to me. There is no trace of baby left in him. I love the little person he is growing into.

10 months

Beckham hit 10 months yesterday. What?!?! I kind of wish he would stay a baby forever. I can't even begin to express my love for this little chub-a-lub. He is so sweet and has the cutest personality. He is so happy and content and just goes with the flow. He very rarely puts up a fuss about anything. His top four teeth are all trying to come in and he's such a trooper about it. He squeals, smiles, laughs, giggles and makes the cutest noises. He is very interactive and babbles all day long. I haven't found a food he doesn't like. He's cute when he eats though; he savors every bit and takes his time to enjoy it. He hates to be ignored and yells and cries if I walk away or turn my back on him. He's a mama's boy. He is very observant of everything going on around him. He pays attention and notices things. He loves his toys. If I sit him in his bumbo seat with his basket of toys next to him, one by one he will pull them out and play, then move on to the next. He can be happy doing this for a long time. He is deliberate and savors things. He is a love bug and I want to soak up every second of his precious little life.

The way these boys interact is the cutest, sweetest thing. They enjoy each other so much and get each other laughing uncontrollably. Boys are so much fun.

they cheer me up

It's such a bummer, or a "bumper" as Kaden would say, when a cloud of gloominess shows up quite suddenly, uninvited, and drizzles on the parade. Boo. That little gloom cloud has been slowly settling on me the last few days. The situation with Beckham is getting more frustrating by the day and that's been on my mind. Kaden wants attention, but demands it in the worst forms and my patience has been lacking. We clashed all morning. Maybe part of it is being sick and just not feeling good. The other night I was looking at a blog that a friend of mine writes. She does the most amazing things with her kids (plus is amazing in every other area of life) and I feel like I have been a little checked out lately. Am I the only one that shuts down when I get too overwhelmed? It's like there is so much to be done, so many things I should be doing and remembering, that I drop the ball on everything. I sometimes forget the things that I enjoy. I sometimes sink into a spiritual rut. I sometimes doubt myself. I think what am I doing? How did I ever think I could handle all of this? I am totally failing!

That is when a sweet, tender mercy shows itself and I am reminded that it's all okay. I'm thankful that I can notice those things, that my gloomy clouds usually come and go fairly quickly and easily and might even leave me feeling refreshed. Today was like the little rainbow peeking from behind the cloud. The sunshine emerged and I felt the warmth.

After a few too many meltdowns, I took Kaden and Beckham to Roadside park to play in the water. A bunch of my friends and their kids get together there every week but we keep having to miss it for one reason or another. I didn't feel like I had the energy to get everything together and go this morning, but I am so happy we did. We picnicked, Kaden got to run and play with his friends, and I got to socialize. Then Kaden and his friend wanted to tube down the creek and I decided what the heck, I might as well get in. I loved it. Danica and Kaden held hands and sat on my lap and asked to go over and over. The cool water felt so good.

After naps Kaden helped me water our flowers and bushes. He is such a joy. He gets so excited so easily, and the simplest things make him happy. Seeing him run around in his adorable galoshes and spray water everywhere delighted me. We came in and ate together and then the boys had a bath while I cleaned the bathroom. Kaden was hoarding all of the toys so I said, "Does Beckham get any toys, or just Kaden?" He responded without skipping a beat, "Just Kaden, Mom!" I said, "Well, that's not a very nice big brother not to share." A minute later I turned around and every single toy was piled up on Beckham. "Look Mom! I am a good big brother. I sharing with Beckham and he likes it."

I read to Kaden tonight and laid in bed with him for a long time singing songs. Then I said, "Kaden, I love you forever." He replied "I love you forever mom. I like you for always." Together we said, "As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." It was a beautiful day and I feel like my gloomy cloud dissipated today. Those little people are constant sunshine and I just need to check back in and notice it.

And now, the house is peaceful, quiet, and clean. A breath of fresh air and ready to start the day off right tomorrow.

this one was tough

So, one week after the Utah Valley 1/2, Jamie and I embarked on a local half marathon. Wow, it was beautiful, and dang hard. Maybe it was because I didn't run for almost 3 weeks prior (except the previous race). Maybe it was because the course was very hilly. Maybe it was because it was hot. Or, maybe it was because hours later I came down with chills, fever, and full-fledged flu. Whatever the reason, after this race I was swearing never to run again and completely understanding why people think runners are crazy.

We must be crazy, because now, just a few days later, I am ready to run again and thinking, "it wasn't so bad". I wasn't miserable until mile 9. I actually did enjoy the gorgeous scenery. I enjoyed the other runners on the course. I loved seeing my family at the end to cheer me on.
Their excitement made me so happy.

I'm running so fast I'm a blur! Actually, I think I was going at a snail's pace and wanting to walk. I actually did walk quite a few times, trying to work all the aches out. I never do that, and it didn't work too well. I was so happy at the end. There really is something to be said about pushing through something hard. It feels so good.

Hurray for us! Yay for free pint glasses and medals. Yayfor free beer and a BBQ at the finish line. Seriously? Yuck.

Going in for our ice bath. It hurt so good!

I was happy to run a 1:47 despite it all. I will definitely do this one again next year-sans flu (I hope!).

More photos, and a look at the beautiful scenery, here.

my little sweetheart

I still feel like I have hardly any answers, but I guess we are slowly getting somewhere with the little dude. Beckham's MRI report came back completely normal. I am so thankful for that. I have no idea how I would have handled him having a brain malformation; oh that would have been so horrible. He has a healthy, functioning, perfect little head and brain.

Unfortunately, his blood results were not as good. While we were in Utah I got a call from his Dr.'s office saying that the blood tests came back abnormal. My heart instantly dropped. He had 3 different chemicals (lactate, ammonia, alkaline phosphatase) show up as abnormally high, one completely off the charts. All three are liver enzymes and we weren't given many answers upfront. We did a little research on our own, but there is a whole sea of information out there and it's just opening a can of worms that I would rather not dive into. His nurse said that the tests that were run are not your every day tests, and they are extremely sensitive. Any mishandling or mistake in protocol can mess up the results. The office wanted to rerun the tests to be sure the results were accurate.

The day we returned from our trip we took Becks in for another draw. Uggh. I hate watching him get poked. Thankfully, it wasn't quite as traumatic this time. The results came in a little better. The lactate was normal and the ammonia was high/normal. The alkaline phosphatase was still extremely high. The high level is about 300. The first time his level was 4,400, the second time it was 2,000. So, it did go down, but still is almost 10 times as high as it should be. What does this mean? Good question; I have no idea. I do know that it does coincide with his extremely weak muscle tone (especially in his upper body).

I have been playing phone tag, leaving messages, and getting more and more frustrated. Finally, yesterday, I got a message from the doctor, via a receptionist. I was so disappointed that the doctor didn't call me himself. I know he is busy, but this is my baby! I had specifically asked that he call me since I felt so in the dark and no one else could answer any questions. His message said that Beckham needs to start developmental therapy (whatever that means!), and see the neurology clinic up at Primary Children's in Salt Lake. I still have no idea what the heck could be wrong. Is it serious? I have my suspicions as to what is going on, but obviously it could be a number of things, so I guess time will tell.

Today I talked to the nurse again and she has messages in to get an evaluation to see what kind of therapy might be needed, and to the pediatric neurology clinic at the hospital. We might be heading back up there in the next week or so. I just wish I had more information so that I could sort of prepare myself for what might be coming, so I could know if I should be worried or not, so I could somewhat plan my life. Not that I am any good at that anyway, though.

I sort of had an attack yesterday after I talked to the receptionist and still had no idea what was going on. What if we end up having to be up in Salt Lake for an extended period of time? What if Kaden feels totally neglected and misplaced? Does Matt miss work that whole time? He has to be involved with his baby. What if this requires a lot of testing and procedures that will cause my baby pain? He won't understand what is going on. Blah, blah, blah. I just don't want another thing to worry about. Hopefully, this will just be a big inconvenience and there will be nothing to worry about. I'll post more when, and if, I know more. Again, thanks for all the support and prayers; it means so much to all of us.

matt's day

Yesterday was a day to celebrate Matt. Despite the fact we were all sick, miserable and pathetic, I couldn't let too much time go by without acknowledging my mister and how special he is to all of us. Yesterday was Father's day. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of the day that changed our lives forever. Yesterday was a day to celebrate Matt. Regrettably, we did no such celebrating, but I promised to make it up to him, and I will, when I feel like a healthy human again. Matt is a miracle and everything he does, big or small, is something to be celebrated. Everything he does is something someone at some time said he would never do. Who would have thought 5 years ago, that today he would be the daddy, a very involved daddy at that, to two beautiful boys? Matt is helpful, loving, and very involved in every aspect of raising the little munchkins and I am grateful to him and for him. The boys light up when he's around and it makes my day when Kaden sees Matt at work and yells "DADDY!" from across the store, or runs to greet him as he is walking home from the bus. Happy Father's Day to a great daddy; my miracle man.

On another note, thank you to all who have left comments, emailed, called, and prayed for Beckham. I have more information on that, but a few things are still quite vague, so I will be updating soon. It's so wonderful to feel loved and thought of. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

runnin' in the rain

We just got home from a fun trip up to Utah. I love going there. I ran on Saturday in the Utah Valley Half Marathon (they had a marathon too, but I'm not that crazy). My friend Jamie and I ran it together. I had to get up at 3 in the morning to be on the bus by 4. Who are these crazy people? I guess normally in June, running this early is good since it gets so hot. We were drizzled on the entire time. The cool weather actually felt great to run in but I froze after the finish and it took all day to warm up.

Here we are at about 5 in the morning. It was rainy and a bit chilly but Jamie came prepared. Apparently this is a common thing among crazy long distance runners. I am new to the trash-bag-wearing gang, but it was surprisingly awesome. We even ran the first mile in them and stayed nice and warm. Clearly, Jamie is a more experienced bag wearer, as hers is on perfectly straight and mine is twisted all over the place.

The run was nice and felt pretty good, except the last 5 miles when my legs felt like they would fall off. I have never run so stiff in my life. The next day even my shoulders and neck were sore. Despite stopping a few times, my leg cramps and Jamie's numb feet, we finished faster than we did our last race. We'll be professionals soon. Here are my finishing results, which are surely only interesting to me.

time: 1:51 (8:30ish pace)

overall: 126/781

female: 45/533

age group: 11/118

I'm not sure we could get any more cheesy, but we were pretty psyched to be finished--and to get awesome medals. More photos here.

he's so brave

My little Beckham has been poked and prodded and tested the last few days. He's been such a trooper. Yesterday we went in for what I thought would be a quick blood test. Apparently, the tests issued were not your every day run-of-the-mill sort of tests. The phlebotomist had to look them all up to know what protocol to follow. The blood had to be put on ice and sent immediately to Salt Lake. We were there forever. Poor Kaden was trying to be good and I felt bad that we were there so long. When she finally got around to drawing the blood and we laid Beckham down he was throwing a fit before she even poked him. He knew what was coming. She poked one arm and the vein moved. She went to the other side and couldn't get that one either, so came back to the first arm. Finally she got it, but it was rough for all of us. I hated seeing him so upset and I could feel tears burning in my eyes. Looking into his sweet face while he looked up at me like, "why aren't you helping me?" about did me in.


They sent us home with an odd contraption for a urine sample. It had to be his first morning pee, and had to be frozen as soon as possible. We weren't allowed to freeze it, so a 15 mile trip had to be made to deliver the goods. My mom is a life-saver and showed up early this morning and drove it in for us.

This afternoon we went in for an MRI. We were told the wrong time, so we ended up having to kill time for almost an hour. Poor baby wasn't allowed to eat for 6 hours prior to the test, it was past his nap time, but he was such a champ! We found the waterfall outside and he was such a happy baby splashing his hands and feet.

He got totally soaked and dirty.

My mom came along with me to help out and be emotional support. I loved having her there with us, even though it did take up her whole day.

There is a lot of prep work involved. The MRI is about twenty minutes, but Beckham had to be completely still, so he had to be sedated. I had to give him the yucky stuff through a syringe and if just felt wrong drugging my baby. It worked really fast since he was so tired and he fell fast asleep. The MRI went fine and he woke up looking a little drunk, but was happy. He got to gulp down some apple juice and that made him happy. He needed a little extra O2 when he first woke up and he thought that was just the greatest thing. He kept sticking his tongue out trying to lick it. He even got a prize for being so brave. A pink and purple lamb. It's so cute and cuddly, but I had to laugh that she grabbed the girliest one.

Is that baby gown not the cutest thing?

Beckham was such a champ through all of it. We're praying that all of the results come back normal and confirm our suspicions that he is just really smart and that's why his head is big. I fall in love with this baby more and more each day. He is the sweetest most lovable little guy. His nurse kept telling us how good he was, how happy, how cute, etc. Of course we agreed.

We left with a happy-albeit a little high-baby.